


Dear Cettie

by OnTheFritz



Category: Cats (1998), Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats - T. S. Eliot
Genre: Advice Column, Comment with ideas of what cats would write in and what problems they'd have, Everyone's got a problem to solve, How could this get out of hand, Multi, Series of one shots where Etcetera gives advice to anonymous cats, Stressed dad Munkustrap, love advice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25250692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheFritz/pseuds/OnTheFritz
Summary: Etcetera has a brilliant idea to start an advice column. Series of one shots where each chapter is a different anonymous letter and Etcetera gives her best advice, with potentially disastrous or beneficial results.Now taking ideas in the comments, so let me know if you have a letter in mind or a scenario you'd like to see!
Relationships: Alonzo/Munkustrap (Cats), Jennyanydots/Skimbleshanks (Cats)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 71





	1. Need to do something sooner than later

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a series of one shots based on the whims of whatever comes to my brain. And whatever comes to yours! Suggestions and ideas are welcome.

“Alright girls, I am officially open for business!” Etcetera proclaimed, gesturing proudly to a blank cork board that had been discovered in the junkyard. 

“Congratulations Cettie!” Victoria clapped her paws together. “What is it?”

“I’m starting an advice column. Cats can anonymously submit their problems and then I’ll read them and post the answers here.” Etcetera explained, looking proud.

“Ooo, I want to help!” Electra raised a paw. “Please, Cettie, let me help!”

“Only if you can promise to adhere to the strictest of secretive advice giving moral codes.” Etcetera said.

“Uh, sure, I think I can do that.” Electra looked confused but remained enthusiastic.

“Please, I want to join in too. I’d love to see what might be secretly going on in the tribe.” Victoria said.

“Of course. This is gonna be great!” Etcetera put out a box with a hole in the top under the board. “This is where people will drop off their letters. I’ll pick them up and then post their answers on the board. That way the writers will be able to feel confident that their problems will remain anonymous.”

“Won’t someone see them put letters in the box?” Electra asked.

“Well, they can do it when no one’s around. And even if they did put something in they’re not going to sign their names unless they really want to.”

“Hey, who’s signing up for what?” Pouncival’s face appeared over the edge of the board. 

“This is cool. What is it?” Tumblebrutus’s eyes peered around the other side. Both patch tabby toms came around the front to take a look.

“Cettie’s starting an advice column. Cats will write in with their problems and then they’ll get advice posted here.” Victoria explained.

“Huh. Who’s got problems?” Pounce asked, trying to climb up to the top of the cork board.

“No one yet.” Etcetera pulled Pounce’s tail to keep him down. “But it’s supposed to be anonymous so anyone can ask anything without worrying about being revealed.”

“Interesting.” Tumble studied the box. “Any letters yet?”

“No, I just put the stuff out.” Etcetera said. “Will you help spread the word?”

“I don’t have any problems.” Pounce insisted.

“You don’t need to have any, just tell anyone you see so that if they have problems then they can submit something.” Etcetera gave him a small nudge. 

“Fine. But I want compensation.” Pounce huffed.

“Dont worry Cettie, I’ll help you out.” Tumble rolled his eyes. “I’m curious to see what kind of letters you get.”

“Me too! It’ll be so exciting to get the first one!” Etcetera exclaimed.

A week went by. The box remained empty. 

“Anything yet?” Electra asked anxiously.

“No.” Etcetera said glumly. “I don’t get it. Tumble and Pounce told everyone in the junkyard. _I_ told everyone in the junkyard.”

“Don’t give up hope yet.” Victoria said encouragingly. “Maybe someone’s watching right now and waiting for us to leave so they can put in their letter.”

“Ooo! That could be it!” Etcetera jumped to her feet. “Leave, leave so they can submit their letter in peace!”

That night a mysterious figure crept towards the box. They looked around hesitantly, listening for any witnesses. Then, with a deep breath, they dropped a letter in the box. Etcetera officially had her first client.

“Look! Look! I got one!” Etcetera screamed in delight the next morning. Victoria and Electra jumped up and down in glee.

“Open it, open it!” They cried.

Together the three queens huddled around the letter to read it.

_Dear Cettie,_

_There’s a cat I think I like but I’m not sure and I don’t know what to do. We danced together at the Jellicle Ball last year and it felt right but I don’t know if that just means that we’re good dance partners or good partner partners. He’s my friend and I don’t want to mess this up but I don’t want to spend all my time thinking about it. It’s been on my mind forever and I just want to be done with it. We’re doing a lot of rehearsals for next year’s ball and I don’t think I can think about this much longer. What do I do?_

_Signed,_

_Need to do something sooner than later_

“Ooo, that’s a tough one.” Victoria said as she read over Etcetera’s shoulder. “This could be a case of just being friends or unrequited love.”

“Who do you think wrote it?” Electra asked, trying to study the handwriting. The writing was deliberately neat and tidy, like someone who wrote slowly to disguise what might be a naturally messy scrawl.

“Could be anyone that likes toms.” Victoria mused.

“So at least half the junkyard.” Electra said.

“More than that, let’s be honest.” Victoria giggled.

“Ladies, please, this is supposed to be anonymous.” Etcetera said.

“Cettie, come on, you have to be a little curious.” Victoria teased.

“Well yeah, of course I am!” Etcetera admitted. “But this cat, whoever they are, needs our help.”

“Right. So, what do we say?” Electra asked.

“This is my first letter so I want to be the one to answer.” Etcetera proclaimed. “And I know just what to say!”

_Dear Need to do something sooner than later,_

_Thank you for reaching out regarding your love dilemma!_

_It’s clear that there’s only one thing to do: Go for it! ;) Don’t wait, just take the plunge and let this tom know how you feel. If you can’t say it in words then say it with your actions. Sitting around thinking about it will only make you crazy! After you confess then you will feel so much better and who knows, maybe it will lead to something more!_

_Signed,_

_Cettie_

“Perfect. We just made a new couple of cats very happy.” Etcetera said as she proudly pinned her reply up to the board.

A week passed since the reply had been left for the mystery writer with the confusing feelings for the unknown tom. To her disappointment Etcetera didn’t see any public declarations of love. Whispers of the secret, unrequited love spread through the junkyard like wildfire. Everyone wanted to know who the cat was and who they had potential unspoken feelings for.

Unfortunately it wasn’t easy to pick out a single cat from the crowd. The whole tribe was rehearsing for next year’s Jellicle Ball so, in a way, everyone was dancing with everyone, leaving no specific couple in particular as the obvious subject of the letter. Etcetera and her crew watched the proceedings with hopeful eyes but nothing stood out.

“Maybe they confessed in private.” Victoria said one day as the trio watched Bombalurina and Rum Tum Tugger rehearse together. 

Now those were a couple of cats that weren’t afraid to be public about their feelings for one another. Of course, most of it was playful teasing, but there was no hesitation when one of them wanted to make a move on the other. Off to the side Tumblebrutus and Mistoffelees waited for the floor to clear so they could practice their section. They both looked rather bored with the proceedings.

“You’re probably right.” Etcetera sighed. “I really wanted to see a public confession though. It would have been so romantic.”

“There’s still time.” Electra said hopefully. “You never know.”

As Bomba and Tugger finished their routine and left the floor Mistoffelees danced in, turning gracefully and leaping effortlessly through the air. His dance was much more balletic than the obvious flirting and grinding the previous cats were doing before. Tumble stayed back, watching rather anxiously from the sidelines.

At last year’s ball it was discovered that Tumblebrutus of all cats showed a natural inclination to dance like Mistoffelees, and the two were paired up to dance a graceful, flowing ballet as an interlude between dance numbers. It had taken everyone by pleasant surprise to see that they were a great match, flowing and floating across the stage as effortlessly as breathing. Everyone was waiting to see what they would come up with for next year’s ball.

Tumblebrutus took a deep breath, waiting to join in with Mistoffelees. His eyes were wide and wild, and he was bouncing on the balls of his feet impatiently. Oblivious to his anxious dance partner Misto continued the dance, eventually signaling for Tumble to join him. 

Instead of showing off his natural grace and poise Tumble stomped over to Misto, stopping the tuxedo tom mid twirl. Misto paused with his arms in the air.

“Tumble, what’s-”

To everyone’s amazement Tumble firmly grabbed Misto by the shoulders and brought him in close for a passionate kiss.

A moment of stunned silence fell over the junkyard. Etcetera let out a scream of delight. With a gasp Tumble wrenched himself away from his dance partner, shaking himself all over. Misto was frozen in place.

“Nope! No, that didn’t feel right. Not at all.” Tumble pawed at his mouth. “Sorry. Thought it would feel different.”

Misto stood there, looking confused, face a delicate shade of pink. “How- how did you think it would feel?”

“I dunno. Not like that.” Tumble turned a brilliant red. “Thought I liked you more than a friend. But, uh, that is clearly not the case.”

“Well.” Misto said. “That was something.”

Tumble frantically nodded. “Yep. Well, I can… I can go away now.”

“No, no, this is our rehearsal time. Let’s finish and we can discuss it later.” Misto gave the embarrassed tom a comforting pat on the shoulder. 

With great professionalism Tumble and Misto finished up their routine, disappearing quickly to somewhere more private when they were through.

“I think we just found our mystery writer.” Victoria said, still blushing.

“Ooo, I can’t wait to see who’s next!” Etcetera giggled.

They didn’t have to wait long. After Tumble’s rather bold display of passionate friendship, clearly inspired by the advice given to him by Etcetera, other cats were inspired to submit letters of their own.


	2. Tired Mate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got a few ideas from friends so I have a couple chapters lined up. But if you have anything you want to see feel free to comment below!

_Dear Cettie,_

_My mate never gets enough sleep. How can I convince them that it is perfectly acceptable to get more than four hours of sleep each night? Somehow they’ve managed to function so far but I’m worried that this can’t go on for much longer. Also I would like to get some sleep but find it hard to without my mate around._

_Any advice would be appreciated._

_Thank you,_

_Tired mate_

“Oh, to be so in love with someone that you can’t even sleep without them near.” Etcetera sighed. “That’s so romantic.”

“Or they keep waking up when their mate wakes up and are sick of it.” Electra suggested.

“That’s a little less romantic.” Victoria said. 

“Regardless, we have another couple in crisis. We need to act quickly to save their union.” Etcetera said. 

“Wonder who it is this time?” Electra stared at the note. The handwriting was very elegant and graceful. “They’ve been very careful not to reveal the gender of their mate or themselves.”

“Or anything that might reveal who they are.” Victoria said. “Another mystery.”

“That’s kinda the point of it being anonymous.” Etcetera reminded them. “Anyways, we’ll have to put our heads together for this one.”

“I’ve got an idea.” Electra said after several contemplative minutes.

“Me too.” Victoria said.

“Same! Let’s write all our ideas down and let our writer choose the one they think will work best.” Etcetera proclaimed, getting out the pen and paper.

_Dear Tired Mate,_

_It sounds like you’re very concerned for your mate. Experts say that four hours of sleep is not nearly enough for any cat._

_Is your mate really busy? Maybe try to help them with their daily tasks so they have time to sleep._

_Or maybe give them some soothing tea to help them relax. Not drug them, but to help them feel sleepy at bedtime._

_If all else fails you could try tying them up for as long as you want them to be asleep for._

_Sweet Dreams,_

_Cettie (and friends)_

Lots of cats took interest in this advice. Etcetera studied each and every cat that wandered by the cork board, but, like before, it was hard to pinpoint anyone in particular who might have written the letter.

“The handwriting is the best clue we have.” Victoria insisted. “You can tell a lot about a cat by their penmanship.”

“I think we can safely rule out Pouncival.” Electra said. “And Tumble. And probably Plato.”

“Yes, I’ve seen Plato’s handwriting.” Victoria nodded. “It’s nowhere near this fancy.”

“Do you think it might be Bomba’s? Or maybe Jenny’s?” Electra pondered.

“Does Bomba have a mate?” Etcetera asked.

“Probably Tugger’s the closest-” Electra started to suggest but was cut off.

“Don’t even finish that sentence.” Etcetera said, refusing to hear that the object of her obsession might be involved with another queen. “It might be Jenny. Skimble’s always busy with the trains.”

“He’s so energetic though. If he doesn’t sleep where does he get all that energy?” Victoria asked.

“Maybe the scotch? I dunno.” Electra shrugged.

“I’ll go see if I can get Jenny to write something and we can compare the handwriting.” Etcetera said.

“What about keeping things anonymous?” Victoria asked.

“Well… maybe we can help her more if we know a little more about who we’re dealing with.” Etcetera tried to look innocent. “Okay, fine, I just really want to know!”

Victoria and Electra were, unfortunately, occupied the rest of the afternoon, leaving Etcetera to go investigate the handwriting on her own. Thankfully Jenny was home and more than happy to have company. Etcetera had convinced Jenny to show her some old letters the Gumbie Cat and Skimbleshanks had sent in their youth, and soon they were lost in fun recollections of the past.

The cheerful conversation soon came to an end when a certain Jellicle Protector knocked on the front door.

“Jenny, if it’s not a terrible bother, do you have a spare moment to assist us?” Munk asked, voice dangerously polite.

“Sure, dear come on in, Cettie and I were just going over some of my old things.” Jenny put down the stationary she had been holding and turned towards the door. 

“Oh, how convenient. Because I believe we are here partly because of Etcetera.” Munk said coolly. He stepped inside the den, Alonzo stumbling in closely behind looking incredibly regretful.

“What happened?” Jenny automatically asked, seeing the twitch in Munk’s eye.

“My dear, wonderful mate decided that I was not getting enough sleep.” Munk said, shooting Alonzo a look. Alonzo tried his best to look innocent. “So he asked for advice.”

Etcetera froze, immediately remembering the advice she had given to the writer who dubbed themselves ‘Tired Mate’. Alonzo certainly looked tired, and it was a well known fact that Munk had never been witnessed sleeping or napping by anyone in the junkyard. She could only imagine which advice Alonzo had decided to go with.

“Well, it is true, Munk, you don’t get enough sleep.” Jenny said, trying to peer around the silver tabby. He was keeping his right arm behind his back. Alonzo remained standing strangely behind him.

“I don’t see how my sleeping habits are anyone’s business but mine. And that’s not the point.” Munk shot a sour look at Alonzo. The black and white cat properly cringed this time. “The point is that my darling, thoughtful mate decided that the best part of the advice he had received from his letter was to ensure that I stayed in bed without any regards to whether or not I wanted to stay there.”

“Munk, dear, I can tell that you’re a little upset. Why don’t you show me what’s wrong and-” Jenny was interrupted by Munk swinging his right arm around, also swinging Alonzo in front of him in the process.

“Alonzo has handcuffed us together.” Munk said, revealing the metal cuffs connecting their arms together. “And he does not have the key.”

Etcetera slapped her paws over her mouth before she could let out a squeal of surprise. Jenny gaped at them.

“I just wanted you to stay put for a while.” Alonzo sighed and stared at the ground. “It seemed to be a good idea at the time.” 

“Why didn’t you try the tea? I would have preferred that.” Munk wearily pinched the bridge of his nose.

Jenny shook her head. “I can already tell you that I don’t have anything that could help with this.”

“What are we supposed to do?” Alonzo asked, waving his arms in dismay and, inadvertently, waving Munk’s as well. “We can’t go around the junkyard like this.”

“You should have thought of that before you handcuffed me.” Munk was only an octave or two away from shouting, and it was a terrifying sight to behold.

“Um, maybe I can offer some advice?” Etcetera squeaked, ducking a little when everyone turned to look at her.

“Etcetera, please, I think-” Munk took a deep breath. “- I think I’ve had enough advice for today.”

“No, I mean it this time, this might be a good idea.” Etcetera said quickly. “Why not ask Jerrie and Teazer? They- they should have some experience with unlocking stuff without using keys.”

Everyone paused.

“That’s not a bad suggestion.” Jenny said thoughtfully.

“It’s worth a try at least.” Alonzo said quietly.

“Fine. But they have to come here. The less witnesses we have the better.” Munk said, sitting down in an empty seat. Alonzo was dragged down with him.

“I’ll go find them.” Etcetera volunteered. Anything to get her out of the space with an angry Munkustrap.

It didn’t take long to find Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. It certainly didn’t take long to convince them to help, especially when the situation was explained to them. Gleefully the pair followed Etcetera back to Jenny’s den.

Alonzo had been granted a chair, sitting as far from Munk as the handcuffs would allow. Munk had closed his eyes and had fallen into a disappointed silence. Somehow it was worse than him being angry.

“Well hello, fearless Protector and his Second!” Rumpleteazer exclaimed.

“Seems that you’re in a bit of a pickle, eh?” Jerrie said, grinning from ear to ear.

“I don’t want to hear it.” Munk muttered, not even bothering to open his eyes. He sank down further into his chair, crossing his long legs in front of him.

“Ah, no problem, just sit back and relax and we’ll get this sorted out.” Teazer said as she and Jerrie studied the handcuffs.

“Nothin’ that a little bit of finaglin’ with won’t fix.” Jerrie crouched over the lock on Munkustap’s arm.

“Yeah, you’ll both be able to do your usual runnin’ around in no time.” Teazer assured Alonzo as she attended to the lock on his arm.

“I am curious as to where you procured these though.” Jerrie muttered.

Alonzo pointedly refused to answer. Munk remained silent.

It only took a few minutes for Teazer and Jerrie to work their magic. With two faint clicks the handcuffs fell to the floor.

“Yes! Thank you.” Alonzo hugged Teazer.

“It’s nothin’. All in a days work.” Teazer beamed.

“’Sides, it’s always a pleasure bein’ able to help out our fearless Protector.” Jerrie said, turning to Munk.

Munkustrap let out a small snore.

Everyone turned to look at him. Somehow, despite his uncomfortable arrangement in his chair, he had managed to fall asleep.

“It must have been because he was forced to sit still for so long.” Jenny whispered.

“So it did work.” Alonzo said smugly. He thoughtfully picked up the discarded handcuffs.

Jenny draped a blanket over Munk, mindful of his long legs. “I think it’s best if we just leave him.”

Etcetera followed Jerrie and Teazer outside, taking a moment to glance back inside. Alonzo had dragged his chair up against his mate, pulling part of the blanket over himself and closing his eyes. 

“I’d count that as a success.” Etcetera smiled to herself.


	3. Anon

The next day Etcetera opened the box to find a crumpled up piece of paper sitting on top of the pile of letters. Carefully she smoothed it out.

_hey so Munk said i cant go to the meeting hes having but i want to cuz theres food so how can i go without being found out can you help im out of ideas_

“Um.” Etcetera said.

“Well, it certainly gets to the point.” Victoria said delicately.

“It’s not even signed.” Electra pointed out.

“Still, it’s my duty to answer it.” Etcetera said. “I’ll just call them Anon. Nice and mysterious.”

“You don’t think it’s Tumble again, do you?” Victoria asked.

“No. At least he had punctuation.” Electra said dryly.

“Be careful how you answer this one.” Victoria warned. “Everyone’s going to see your reply, including Munkustrap.”

“Ooo, good point.” Etcetera tapped her chin with her pen. “I will proceed with due caution.”

_Dear Anon,_

_While I must advise against you attending any meetings or events you’re not invited to, as it is extremely rude, I will still honor your question._

_I would suggest wearing a disguise so that no one recognizes you. Perhaps you can borrow a coat from a friend or change how you style your fur. Who knows, maybe you’ll discover a new look that you’ll want to keep wearing!_

_Be sure to come up with a fake name too. And remember to be confident!_

_Sincerely,_

_Cettie_

Munkustrap looked around at the group seated in a circle in Jenny’s den. Every week any available adult cats gathered in Jenny’s living room to go over the events of the past or upcoming weeks. It had been a thing that Munk started when he became Jellicle Protector and, if he said so himself, it was a successful endeavor.

Skimbleshanks, Jennyanydots, Alonzo, Demeter, Bombalurina, Jellylorum, Asparagus and Cassandra were in attendance tonight. Not a bad turn out. There wasn’t much to say for the week but it was a matter of principle to keep the meetings going. At least there was food.

“Alright, now that we’re all here, let’s get started.” Munkustrap sat down and cleared his throat. “First, Alonzo and I would like to welcome Plato to our weekly meetings. He’s shown admirable progress in his training and I am proud to announce that he is now ready to go on regular patrols by himself.”

“Thanks, everyone.” Plato tried his best to not look sheepish as the other cats applauded and congratulated him. “It’s nice to be here.”

“Second, I’m sure you are all aware that Etcetera has started her own advice column. Several cats have approached me with concerns and I’ve looked into the matter. So long as cats are still able to come to me or Alonzo with emergencies I see no problems with letting her continue.”

“I have to admit, some of the advice she’s given hasn’t been too off the mark.” Bomba stated.

“Anyone have any concerns regarding the matter?” Munk asked. “No? Noted. If you do notice that she’s giving… questionable advice... please bring it to my or Alonzo’s attention.”

At that note he shot a look at Alonzo, who pointedly looked elsewhere.

The meeting continued as normal. As usual Jenny brought up her concerns about the ways of the mice regarding their behavior. It was hard to turn down the topic since the meetings were held in her den and she had provided the majority of the food for the evening.

Skimbleshanks was the first to notice that something was amiss. He sniffed the air, ears twitching to and fro. Demeter noticed the ginger cat’s twitching and followed his gaze.

“And so I propose we appoint a rodent ambassador to- What in all of the Heaviside is that?” Jenny exclaimed as an unimaginable figure forced its way inside the den, barely making it through the doorway.

It was at least eleven feet tall and clothed in a tan trenchcoat. No, make that two trenchcoats. It waved four arms in a horrifyingly jaunty hello as it stumbled towards the stunned adults. Its feet definitely belonged to a cat. There might have been a face somewhere up top but it was obscured by a very large feathered hat, sunglasses and a colorful scarf. It had to stoop considerably to keep its head from hitting the ceiling.

Everyone watched as the gray feet edged along the ground, the owner of the feet clearly unable to see where they were going. It was whispering to itself. It was also replying in a completely different voice.

“Keep going, keep going, almost there.”

“I can’t see a thing, why did you button the coat all the way up-”

“’Cause we can’t have two heads, what’s wrong with you-”

“This was a terrible idea.”

“Shutupshutupshutup- Hello, fellow adults!”

Everyone flinched as the monster tottered closer, waving one of its four arms.

“Don’t mind me, just here for the meeting. Going to sit down now right where I am. Right now. Nice and easy.” The voice was pitched in an obviously fake falsetto and slightly muffled by the scarf.

Alonzo shot a look at Munkustrap. Munk slowly shook his head, signaling for the others to stay seated. Clearly he wanted to see just how the creature would handle sitting, since its legs were apparently a separate entity from its brain.

“Yep, just give me a minute. Uh, got old knees. Yeah. Takes a while to balance them.” Carefully and with great difficultly the monster lowered itself into a crouch. The top half of its body wobbled dangerously.

“Watch it, watch it, they’re getting suspicious.” The head muttered as its bottom two arms reached out to grasp at the ground. With a resounding ‘thump’ it fell heavily onto its rear end.

“Ow!” It exclaimed from somewhere between its four arms.

“Uh, and who might you be?” Munkustrap was not normally one to go ‘uh’, but there was no better time than now.

“Me? Why, I’m… I’m….” The top half of the thing fidgeted.

“Billbucketty.” The bottom half whispered.

“Yeah. Right. Billbucketty.” The top half said, much more confidently this time. 

“Billbucketty.” Munk said flatly.

“Yep. New in town. As of today. Nice to meetcha.” With disturbing flexibility that no living creature with a single spine should have possessed the top half of the creature crouched down over its bottom half, reaching out towards the food.

“And where did a… a fine fellow such as yourself come from, exactly?” Skimble asked, edging away from the monster. 

“Uh…. New…. Yard… Place.” It said hesitantly. “You probably haven’t heard of it.”

With one hand it clutched at the jacket covering its bottom half. The bottom half seemed to be having great difficulty in keeping its balance, trying to hold on to the top half with one arm and bracing itself against the floor with the other arm. It wobbled precariously towards Demeter.

“Get away from me!” Demeter shrieked.

“Don’t worry, I got it!” Plato suddenly shouted, springing to his feet and diving across the circle towards the monster in a full body tackle.

The monster screamed in two different voices, literally splitting in half as Plato aimed himself towards the middle. Plato wrestled with the top half, easily pinning the shrieking coat, hat, sunglasses and scarf to the ground.

The bottom half of the monster sat up, revealing Tumblebrutus in a trench coat. He simply gave everyone a resigned wave as everyone’s gazes turned to who had been in the top half.

“Plato! No! Leave me be!” The hat and glasses were torn off to reveal a panic stricken Pouncival, also in a trench coat. “No! My secret identity has been revealed!”

“Pouncival.” Munkustrap stood, utilizing his extraordinary willpower not to laugh and to keep a stern face. “We talked about this. You are not old enough to come to these meetings.”

“Told you.” Tumble muttered. He rubbed his shoulders where Pounce had been standing on them.

“Fine.” Pounce rolled his eyes, shrugging Plato off him. “But admit it, you didn’t know it was me or Tumble. Our disguise was good.”

“We didn’t know what you were.” Alonzo stated.

Pounce didn’t even dignify that with a response, gathering up his (probably pilfered) articles of clothing and hightailing it out of the den. Tumble followed him at a much slower pace, rubbing his lower back.

“Man, how can he weigh so much when he’s so small?” The adults could hear Tumble mutter as he disappeared out the door.

“Alright, so maybe we need to keep a closer eye on the advice Etcetera is giving out.” Munk said. “Also I think I’m ready to call it a night.”

“Agreed.” Everyone said at once. The meeting was quickly adjourned.

After all the other cats had retired for the night, a certain cat sidled up to the box under the cork board and delicately dropped in a note, taking a moment to stare up at the stars before hurrying away.


	4. Tough Stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for subscribing to this story and following along! Got a couple more ideas in mind, just need to find the gumption to write them. As always, if you want to see something in particular, feel free to comment below!

_Dear Cettie,_

_I want to be tough. Everyone in the tribe thinks I’m cute and I don’t want to be that anymore. How can I show everyone that there is more to me than just being cute?_

_Tough Stuff_

“Alright, who thinks Pouncival wrote this?” Electra asked immediately after reading the letter.

“Nah, he’s already written one. And besides, after he crashed Munk’s meeting he’s been in time out with Jenny.” Etcetera said. “And he doesn’t have such nice handwriting.”

“The handwriting is awfully cute.” Victoria said.

“Before we discuss this any further I want to state that if this letter was written by one of us in secret, I’m not expecting any of us to confess to writing it.” Etcetera gave the other two queens a meaningful look.

“Surely you don’t think that I wrote it?” Victoria asked, looking appalled. “I am quite fine with how the others in the tribe see me.”

“Yeah, especially Plato.” Electra muttered.

“Plato has nothing to do with this, thank you very much.” Victoria’s cheeks turned pink. “But I agree with Cettie, even if we do write a letter in secret we shouldn’t try to expose one another.”

“That makes sense. But just so you know I didn’t write it either.” Electra said quickly.

“Me neither.” Etcetera said. “Now that that’s settled, let’s think of some good advice to give our woefully cute cat.”

_Dear Tough Stuff,_

_Being cute can be a trial! From one cute cat to another I’ll be honest in saying that I don’t have much personal advice to give you on how to be tough. But I have full confidence in suggesting that you go out and find the toughest cat you know and copy what they do. Maybe they can give you tips and tricks on how to shed your cuteness and become the tough cat that you want to be!_

_If all else fails, change up your look! A spiked collar always looks intimidating!_

_Yours,_

_Cettie_

Just as with the previous letters it was difficult to tell just when the advice would reach its intended audience, but Etcetera, Electra and Victoria did their best to scope out the junkyard and take note of every cute cat they could find. Granted, they did that anyways, but now they had a purpose in doing so. So far no one stood out, although they kept a scrupulous tally on who was wearing a spiked collar and who was deemed as ‘adorable’. Little did they know that the cat in question was passing right in front of them, headed across the junkyard towards a certain Gumbie Cat’s den.

“Hi Pounce, is Jenny around?” Jemima asked as she poked her head into Jenny’s den. The tiny queen was immediately met with the sight of Pouncival sitting on the floor, surrounded by what could only be described as an explosion of yarn.

“Yeah, she’s around. What do you want?” Pounce didn’t even so much as look up at her, too busy untangling a large ball of yarn.

“Pouncival, that is not how you talk to a guest, how many times do I have to tell you- Oh, hello, Jemima. How can I help you?” Jenny shot a dark look at Pounce before smiling at Jemima. In her arms was a large basket. The cat was clearly about to head out.

“Hi, Jenny.” Jemima said. “I was wondering if you knew where Munk is.”

“What do you want him for?” Pounce finally looked up from his project.

“I want to ask him… something.” Jemima fidgeted under his curious gaze.

“I’m sorry, dear, but Munk’s gone for the day. There’s been rumors of a dog lingering around the edge of the junkyard so he went to take a look.” Jenny shivered. “Ghastly things. I hope he can scare it off without having to fight it.”

“Oh.” Jemima tried not to let her disappointment show.

“If you need something, I can help you. Otherwise Alonzo is filling in for Munk while he’s out.”

“Oh, it’s nothing. I can wait. Thanks, Jenny.” Jemima gave the Gumbie Cat her best smile.

“You’re such an adorable dear.” Jenny affectionately rubbed her behind the ears. “I must be off then. Pouncival, I expect you to have that yarn untangled when I return.”

“Yes, Jenny.” Pounce muttered.

As soon as Jenny left Pounce threw the yarn on the floor and flopped onto his stomach. Jemima sighed, trying to fix her fur where Jenny had mussed it up.

“What’s wrong with you?” Pounce asked.

“I’m… I’m tired of being told I’m adorable.” Jemima sighed again. “And cute.”

“Tell me about it.” Pounce said. “It sucks.”

“When has anyone ever called you cute?” Jemima asked, giving him a curious look.

“Like, all the time. Being the smallest tom in the junkyard guarantees that no one takes me seriously.” He rolled onto his back to stare at her. “You should know what it’s like, seeing that you’re the smallest kitten here. Seriously, you’re tiny.”

“Thanks, Pounce, that’s really making me feel better.” 

“Hey, did you write that letter? The one that wanted advice on being tough?”

“Yeah.” Jemima admitted, face turning pink.

“Ha! I knew it! Tumble owes me a mouse.” Pounce grinned.

“How did you know it was me?”

“’Cause you’re the cutest kitten here. And since you already wear a spiked collar, I’m guessing you were looking for Munk because you think he’s the toughest cat around and you wanted to talk to him about tough stuff.”

“Uh… yeah. All of that is right.” Jemima said, stunned at Pounce’s astute observations.

“’S not a bad idea. Too bad he’s gone right now- wait!” Pounce shot to his feet. “I got an idea!”

“What? What is it?” Jemima leaned away from him.

“We should go get rid of the dog!”

“What?”

“The one that Munk’s worried about. If we get rid of it then the others have to think we’re tough. Especially if the Jellicle Protector’s concerned about it.”

“That sounds like a bad idea… I can’t fight a dog!”

“I’ll help you. That way when we both take it out then the others will have to take us both seriously.” With an excited wiggle he was on his way out the door. “Come on!”

Jemima followed him. It was more out of making sure that the tom didn’t end up going off by himself and getting hurt than out of wanting to find the dog. But, if they did manage to scare off the dog, then there was a tiny sliver of hope that she would be seen as something other than a cute, tiny, helpless kitten.

“Maybe if we find Munk we can just watch and see what he does.” Jemima said as she and Pounce headed towards the edge of the junkyard. 

Munk’s recent path was easy to follow, as he had scented spots along the way so it would be easier to return if needed. Combined with Pounce’s powerful sense of smell they were able to find their way quickly.

“Eh, I’ve watched Munk fight plenty of times. We’ll be fine.” Pounce wormed his way under the fence that circled the junkyard. “Here, before we go any further, let me see your best scary face.”

“My what?” Jemima slid under the fence more gracefully.

“You know, your scary face. Like this.” Pounce let out a ferocious hiss and puffed himself up. It would have been intimidating if he hadn’t crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out, leaving him looking for like a fearsome cotton ball than an angry tomcat.

Jemima giggled despite herself. Pounce deflated.

“Hey, don’t laugh.” He said, rubbing his nose. “I’m trying.”

“Sorry. I don’t think I’ll be able to top that.” Jemima tried to hiss but ended up blowing a raspberry.

“Yeah, nevermind. Don’t try that.” Pounce sighed. “At least your claws are sharp.”

“Well, uh, kinda.” Jemima fidgeted under his questioning gaze. “Sometimes I bite them down when I’m nervous.”

“Oh come on, how are we gonna fight this thing if neither of us can look scary and your claws are all-”

Pounce’s complaints were overshadowed by a literal shadow. Something huge came around the corner, panting and slobbering and smelling decidedly not like Munkustrap. Pounce and Jemima both turned to find a giant dog staring down at them, sniffing the air and advancing on them with its large paws.

“D-d-d-” Pounce stuttered, body frozen in place.

“Run!” Jemima yelled, taking Pounce by the paw and pushing him back under the fence. 

Pounce barely made it under when the dog lunged forward, snapping its teeth at the gap he had just been occupying. Jemima fell backwards and scrambled away from the fence as the dog started to dig in the dirt.

“Jem!” Pounce cried, scrabbling in the dirt to escape the dog’s teeth. The dog thrust its head under the fence and bit at the air just in front of his paws. With a shriek Pounce scrambled backwards, crying out and trying to haul himself up the nearest pile of junk to safety. This only increased the dog’s frustrations and with renewed vigor it dug in the dirt to dig a patch under the fence.

“D- don’t worry about me!” Jemima squeaked. “Run!”

“I’m- I’m gonna get help!” Pounce turned and ran, disappearing quickly into the junkyard.

The dog let out an earsplitting howl and scraped away at the dirt, fitting its head under the fence. Any minute and the dog would be on the other side of the fence and chasing after Pouncival. It was also blocking Jemima’s only way back into the junkyard.

Before she could think her body moved on instinct. With an actual hiss she stood as tall as she could, puffing up and growling with her tail lashing in the air. It was enough of a racket to make the dog stop what it was doing and turn its eyes her way.

“L- leave him alone!” Jemima growled.

The dog returned her growl with one of its own. Any bravado she had quickly vanished. Everything was a blur of movement and terror as she fled down the street, ducking and rolling as the dog’s teeth snapped above her head. It was pure luck that she managed to skid around the corner and come upon a narrow alley. The dog didn’t have an easy time changing direction, giving her precious seconds to put some distance between them.

Unfortunately her luck ran out. The alley ended in an impossibly high brick wall. The dog managed to get to its feet and slowly started advancing down the alley, taking its time in cornering its prey. It was all she could do to stare at the monster and wait for the inevitable.

Something moved out of the corner of Jemima’s eye, coming up quickly behind the dog. A black and white blur shot between the dogs legs, picking her up by the scruff of her neck and throwing her out of the way. The dog was just as confused as she was and let out another deafening bark, torn between chasing after her and investigating this new prey.

The newcomer didn’t give the dog time to think. A hair raising yowl and a flash of claws quickly got the dog’s attention. The black and white blur was immediately upon the dog, biting and kicking and scratching at its exposed face. With a yelp the dog quickly retreated, pawing at its eyes and running off with its tail between its legs.

Jemima huddled up against the brick wall, shivering fearfully and covering her eyes. She wasn’t sure she wanted to open her eyes and face whatever had driven off the dog. Unfortunately she wasn’t given much of a choice. Her rescuer darted back towards her hiding spot and picked her up by the scruff of her neck again, running quickly down the alley and returning to the spot in the fence where she and Pounce had crawled under. 

Unceremoniously Jemima was shoved under the fence, and only when she was back within the safety of the junkyard did she turn around to face her rescuer. She was surprised to see Alonzo staring back at her, panting and looking terrified.

“What were you thinking, leaving the junkyard like that?” Alonzo asked, eyes wide. “You could have gotten yourself killed!”

“I- I didn’t mean to.” Jemima averted her gaze. Seeing Alonzo so worked up was not a sight she wanted to see.

“What in all of the Heaviside Layer were you doing out there with a dog?”

“I just- I just wanted to be stronger. More tough.” Jemima said, staring down at her feet.

“And you thought antagonizing a dog would do that?”

“Well, Pounce said if I could fight off a dog then I’d be tough.”

“You took advice from Pouncival.” Alonzo stated.

“I just… I’m tired of the others thinking that I’m only cute and adorable. I wanted to prove that I could be tough too.”

Alonzo sighed. With a gentle sweep of his paw he pulled Jemima closer to him, hugging her tightly. She could feel the rapid beating of his heart.

“Come on, let’s go find somewhere quiet to talk. And preferably away from this part of the fence.” Alonzo led her not towards home, but to a more secluded spot up high where they could see the sun starting to set. 

Together they sat in a long, semi-awkward silence. Jemima kept her mouth shut, not wanting to make Alonzo more angry or upset than he already was. The black and white cat seemed to have calmed down a little but his body was tense.

“You want to know something that I haven’t told anyone before?” Alonzo eventually said, voice quiet and oddly hesitant.

“What?”

“Remember during the Jellicle Ball when Macavity appeared? And Munk jumped in to fight him off?”

“Yeah. How could I forget?” Jemima shuddered at the memory.

“When Munk and Macavity were fighting I was so scared that I almost… I almost ran away. Away from the junkyard.” The words came out slowly. “I have never been so frightened in my life.”

“But you jumped on Macavity’s back and fought him!” Jemima exclaimed. “You didn’t even hesitate!”

“Yes, but only after Munk was knocked out. I didn’t even have time to think about whether or not I wanted to run in and fight, I just did. If I had given myself a chance to decide I think I would have run away to hide.”

“But you’re so tough. I’ve never seen you scared.”

“You can be scared and tough at the same time.” Alonzo said plainly. “But I think what really makes the difference is moving forward even if you are scared. Maybe not necessarily fighting everything in sight or willingly throwing yourself in danger just because someone wants you to, but knowing when you need to act even when you don’t feel confident in yourself.”

“I don’t know if I could fight Macavity on my own.” Jemima said, feeling small. “Even if I wasn’t scared at all.”

“Well, look at what happened after Macavity threw me off.” Alonzo replied. “The rest of the tribe came in and worked together to fight him back. Just because you aren’t physically the biggest cat in the junkyard doesn’t mean you still can’t accomplish big things. And in some circumstances you have to know when it’s better to work as a group instead of by yourself.”

“You’re really smart.” Jemima said after she thought on his words for a while. “And brave.”

“More like I learn from my mistakes. And I try not to repeat them if I can help it.” Alonzo sighed. “And I’m scared plenty of times. Like just now when Pounce told me you were fighting a dog. All I could think about was what would happen if I didn’t reach you in time. And when I found you in the alley and saw just how big the dog was… I was terrified.”

“I’m really sorry.” 

“I know you are.” Alonzo smiled down at her. “Pounce also told me you saved him.”

“He did?”

“Yes. I think that was pretty tough.” Alonzo looked back up at the sky. “Please promise me you won’t do something like that again though. Or at least save some lives closer to home.”

“I promise.” Jemima sighed. “I don’t want to try and be something I’m not anymore.”

“I think I know how you can learn how to be stronger without risking your life.” Alonzo said.

“How?”

“Let me talk with Munk, but I don’t see why you couldn’t benefit from some Jellicle Protector training. I mean, we’re already training Plato. And you’re plenty brave enough.”

“Really?” Jemima asked hopefully.

“Really. I won’t even write a letter to Cettie asking her for advice on the matter.” Alonzo twitched his tail. 

The walk home was much more cheerful after that. As soon as the two came into view Pouncival was immediately upon them, pulling Jemima into a hug and crying in her ear (a fact that he would strongly deny later). News spread quickly about how the tiny queen distracted the dog so Pounce could escape, and even though the others were still quick to call her cute, Jemima was treated a little more maturely after that.

Once Munkustrap got over his outrage at Pounce and Jemima sneaking out of the junkyard to take down the dog (and after the two kittens were done with their punishments, courtesy of Jenny), Alonzo was able to convince the silver tabby to start self defense lessons for anyone who was interested.

“Wow, Jemi, not only did you become tougher, but you made it so anyone else could get stronger too!” Etcetera exclaimed after an afternoon of watching the smaller queen spar with Pouncival under Alonzo’s watchful eye. Beside her Electra nodded in agreement.

Jemima nodded, perching on Pounce’s back triumphantly. Pounce was sprawled in the dirt after tripping over himself while trying to lunge at her. 

“Yeah, I’m really glad how things turned out. Thanks for the advice!” Jemima grinned.

“Technically it was my idea to go after the dog, but whatever.” Pounce muttered.

“And that better be an idea you don’t have again.” Alonzo warned.

“Wonder what the next letter will be about? Maybe it’ll lead to more opportunities to not only help the cat who wrote it, but others too!” Electra chimed in.

“Ooo, maybe someone will want help with baking. Or storytelling.” Etcetera gasped. “Or even choosing who will go to the Heaviside Layer next year!”

Alonzo looked worried. “Maybe not that. Let’s hope it’s the baking.”


	5. Troubled Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Big, big thanks to MJ1999 for their suggestion for this chapter! I loved their ideas and ran with it, resulting in today's chapter. 
> 
> Thanks again MJ1999 for the idea!

Barely a day had passed since the last letter was answered but Victoria couldn’t help but check the letter box for any new questions. While the whole operation was called ‘Dear Cettie’ and not ‘Dear Vicki’, she still had the itch to check the box every couple of hours, just in case. 

To her surprise Mistoffelees was sitting alone next to the letter box, bent over three pieces of paper and muttering to himself. 

“What are you up to?” Victoria asked, peering over his shoulder to take a look. Two of the papers had writing on them while the third was mostly blank.

“Nothing important.” Misto quickly shuffled the three papers into a stack. “Just notes.”

“Right. And if one of those notes happens to end up in Cettie’s mailbox I should just pretend that it’s nothing important?”

Misto let out a very undignified snort before walking away. To Victoria’s disappointment that was the end of the conversation. Later, when he returned, he did nothing to disguise himself or hide the fact that he put a single letter into the box. As soon as he left Victoria grabbed the letter and ran it over to Etcetera.

_Dear Cettie,_

_I am having trouble reconnecting with my brother. We used to be close but now we have grown apart. I don’t know how to bridge the gap between us, but I want to regain what we have lost. Do you have any advice for rebuilding a relationship that has fallen apart?_

_Sincerely,_

_Troubled Brother_

“That is, without a doubt, Misto’s handwriting.” Victoria announced after the three of them read the letter. “Not to mention I saw him put it into the box.”

“I didn’t know he had a brother.” Electra said.

“He doesn’t.” Victoria gave the letter another scrutinizing look. “Obviously there’s someone that he’s been thinking about. It was enough for him to write two rough drafts before submitting this letter.” 

“We don’t have to figure out who it is, just what he can do to reconnect with them.” Etcetera said firmly. “Let’s get to work.”

_Dear Troubled Brother,_

_Sometimes it’s hard rebuilding a relationship that has fallen on the wayside. But it’s never too late to try and start it up again! Start by thinking about what made you close in the first place. If you can’t remember, take a day to observe their daily routine, then try and figure out what this other person likes, such as a hobby or favorite past time. Maybe you can try it and see if that brings you together again!_

_One fun thing to do is surprise them with a friendship date! Invite them to meet up with you at a place you used to hang out and share your favorite foods as you reminisce about the good old days. Soon enough you two will be friends again and making new memories!_

_Sincerely,_

_Cettie_

Despite the vow of keeping to anonymity the three queens kept a very close eye on Mistoffelees, each one doing their best to remain incognito while sticking to him like glue. To their disappointment he hadn’t even bothered to check the board after the advice had been posted.

“Will you please leave me alone?” Misto groaned as he turned a corner and saw Etcetera, Victoria and Electra waiting for him in one of his favorite napping spots.

“Oh, hi Misto!” Etcetera waved, looking far too innocent. “We were… we were just waiting for Tugger!”

“Right.” Stubbornly he sat in the sun, refusing to give up his spot despite their staring. “Sure.”

“How are you Misto? How’s your… your family?” Electra casually asked.

“My family?” Misto raised an eyebrow. 

Right on cue the Rum Tum Tugger made an appearance, sauntering over to their spot and lounging in a discarded armchair. Misto let out a sigh of relief.

“Greetings, ladies.” He purred, smirking at the giggles that came his way. “Misto.”

“Tugger.” Misto settled back in the shade.

“And what are we all up to today?”

“Just talking about stuff.” Etcetera leaned up against him.

“Oh? What kind of stuff?” Tugger raised an eyebrow at her. “It doesn’t have anything to do with your most recent letter, does it? That was some interesting advice you gave.”

“Tugger! We are under a strict code of anonymity and secrecy.” Etcetera tried to remain professional as she lounged all over Tugger’s legs. “Once our advice is given we can’t just openly discuss who may or may not have written it. I can only hope that our advice helps our anonymous writers solve their problems.”

Misto coughed. Tugger frowned at him.

“You okay Misto?” Tugger said, voice holding a hint of a warning edge.

Luckily Misto did not have to answer. Munkustrap saved the day by making an appearance. Unexpectedly he did not wander on by like usual but instead joined the group, sitting down next to Tugger and looking completely at ease. 

“Hello.” Munk said, nodding amiably at the surprised group. 

“What… what are you doing here, Munk?” Tugger asked, raising an eyebrow. “Someone causing trouble?”

“Just saying hello.” Munk made no move to leave. “I’m allowed to do that, aren’t I?”

“Well, yeah, I guess.” Tugger shifted uncomfortably. “Hello.”

“Hello.”

Etcetera chanced a glance at Misto, who was looking between Munk and Tugger with an incredibly exasperated expression.

“So.” Munk said. “What are you up to today?”

“Uh.” Tugger replied. It was rather comical how his brother’s unexpected presence seemed to drive the cocky attitude from him. “Nothing much. Just talking. Might go see Bomba later.”

“Oh? Mind if I join you later?”

“You want to join me when I go see Bomba?” Tugger looked at Munk like he had sprouted an extra head. “You do know what we do when we’re together, right? When we’re… alone?”

Etcetera, Victoria, and Electra broke out into giggles. Misto sighed.

Munk took a minute to think about what he had just said. Slowly the realization hit him.

“Oh. No. No thank you. I-” Munk stood, shaking the thought off of himself. “- I’m going to go do something. Anything else. Good to see you all.” Quickly he left.

“Well, that was something.” Victoria said as diplomatically as she could.

“You’re telling me. Anyone notice that Munk’s been acting a little odd lately?” Tugger asked.

All of them turned to look at Munk, who was now sitting up on the tire and staring right at them. As soon as they made eye contact he quickly looked away.

“What did you do?” Etcetera asked. “Did you make him mad?”

“I didn’t do anything. I’m just trying to go about my usual day but he won’t leave me alone.” Tugger sighed. “He thinks he’s being subtle but he’s really not.”

“Oh, he can’t be that bad.” Electra said.

“Oh yeah? Hey, Misto.” Tugger’s eyes flicked to the tuxedo. “Is Munk-”

“Still staring at you? Yes.” Misto, who was the only one facing the tire, confirmed. “Very intently. Not even blinking.”

“Ooo, that’s kinda creepy.” Etcetera shivered. 

“I can’t take it any more. He’s throwing off my- my everything! I have to know what he’s up to.” Tugger gently detached Etcetera from his leg and stomped off towards his brother.

“Should we-”

“No.” Misto placed his paw on Etcetera’s shoulder to keep her from following.

Off in the distance they could see Tugger approach Munk. It wasn’t clear what was said but judging by both of their facial expressions the discussion was not polite. Tugger started gesturing, Munk gesticulated in return, then abruptly they both turned in opposite directions and left the junkyard.

“I… I don’t think that went well.” Etcetera said.

It didn’t. Despite the conversation Munk continued his unnerving staring over the next couple of days. It got to the point where Tugger was actively avoiding the main part of the junkyard. While the two never spent much time together in the first place, now they spent as much time apart as possible.

*****

Munkustrap had just settled into bed for the night when something smashed into his den with a terrific crash, bringing his drowsy mind to full alert and sending him running outside.

“Who’s there? What’s-” He kicked a decently large rock that had been launched at the side of his den. With a huff of indignation Munk stomped back inside, carrying the rock as if it were about to grow teeth and bite him.

“Munk, why’re you up?” Alonzo mumbled, sitting up and rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

“Someone threw a rock at our den!” 

Alonzo stared up at Munk, then at the rock. Slowly his eyes dragged back up to Munk.

“Anything hurt?” Alonzo finally asked.

“What?”

“Did the rock break anything? Did it hit you?”

“No.”

“Then it can wait until morning.” Alonzo curled up into a ball and pulled the blankets up over his head, ending his part of the discussion.

Munk let out a huff of idignation and walked back outside with the offending stone, intending on throwing it back into the junkyard, but paused as it crinkled in his paw. There was a note tied around the rock. It was written in Mistoffelees’s familiar script, although somehow the conjuring cat managed to make his elegant handwriting come across as annoyed.

_Munkustrap,_

_Please meet me at the old creek crossing tomorrow night at midnight._

_P.S. Come alone._

“Well that’s not suspicious at all.” Munk muttered to himself.

If it wasn’t clearly written by Mistoffelees he wouldn’t have entertained the request. Why Misto wanted him to meet up at the old bridge was beyond him. It had been ages since Munk had been to the bridge, not since he had been a curious kitten, and ever since he had taken on the duties of the Jellicle Protector he hadn’t had the time to go back and visit.

The following night was quiet. Munk walked towards the creek, alone, wondering what Misto had in store for him. He also wondered if it really was the best idea for him to go meet Misto, in the dark, at an old bridge over a creek that he was pretty sure no one but him and Tugger remembered existed, and they only remembered it because they went there as kids-

“I probably should have told Alonzo where I was going.” Munk sighed to himself.

The bridge was as dilapidated as he remembered. The creek happily burbled along, illuminated by the moon and… candlelight? As he approached he could definitely see numerous candles set up along the bridge, along with several roses and a large platter of what smelled like Fancy Feast.

“What in the-” It was not Mistoffelees waiting for him. “Tugger?”

“Hey, Munk.” Tugger sat up on the railing of the bridge, giving him a halfhearted wave. His fur was beautifully illuminated by the candlelight.

“I was expecting Misto to be here, not you.” 

“Nah. I had him write the note so you wouldn’t think it was me.”

“Why would you do that?” Munk asked.

“So you’d show up.”

“I’d have shown up if I had known you wrote the note.” Munk said, feeling offended. “Even though you tied it to a rock, threw it at my den in the middle of the night and gave me a heart attack.”

“Huh. I didn’t consider that.”

“Why does that surprise you?”

“I… it’s not important.” Tugger shrugged.

Munk waited, knowing the silence would eventually drag the answer out of his brother. He didn’t have to wait long.

“I dunno. Seems that… seems that we don’t see much of each other anymore.” Tugger shrugged, looking out over the water.

“Oh.” Munk navigated his way through the candles and hopped up on the railing next to him. “I guess you’re right. It has been a while since we spent any amount of time with one another.”

“Yeah. I didn’t really notice until recently.” Tugger said after a while, watching the water pass under them. “But now it’s bugging me and I’m not sure what to do about it.”

“Hm.” Munk glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. This thoughtful Tugger was not one he was used to dealing with.

“So I guess you figured out that I was the one who wrote the letter to Cettie about trying to ‘reconnect with an old friend’.” Tugger sighed. “I thought it would be worth a shot.”

Next to him Munk made a small noise of surprise, followed by an awkward cough.

“What? I couldn’t just march up and ask to hang out with you!” Tugger gave him an offended look. “Are you laughing at me?”

“No- never, I’m not laughing at you.” Munk was definitely laughing. “It’s just-”

“Just what, Munk? Just pathetic that I have to ask for advice on how to-”

“Shut up, I’m trying to tell you!” Munk playfully punched him in the shoulder, still laughing.

Tugger moved out of reach and watched Munk slowly compose himself, feeling very put out and ready to leave his brother to his own amusement. 

“I promise I’m not laughing at you.” Munk said once he was able to get his breath back. “I was just surprised, seeing as I also wrote a letter to Etcetera asking her for advice on how to reconnect with you.”

“You did what? No.” Tugger looked at him incredulously. “You’re not serious.”

“I am.” Munk actually giggled.

“You’re not telling me that we both wrote to Cettie about wanting to hang out with each other more.”

“I’m afraid that we both did, yes.” Munk nodded, still smiling. 

“So all that staring you’ve been doing- all that creepy staring from across the junkyard-”

“I was trying to observe you and figure out what you liked to spend your time doing, so that I could then do something with you that you liked.” Munk said. “I did not mean to ask if I could join you and Bomba on your… date….”

“I thought you were just being a creep.” Tugger didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed or relieved.

“Thanks, Tugger.” Munk rolled his eyes.

“At least you actually wrote your letter. I made Misto write mine so Cettie wouldn’t recognize my handwriting.” Tugger said. “Once again, you always go above and be- oh, what’s so funny now?”

Munk was laughing so hard he had to grip the railing to keep from falling into the water. 

“This is- this is too absurd.” He gasped, wiping a tear from his eye. “I can’t- I can’t believe it.”

“What? I thought it was a good idea! Misto was fine with it!”

“It’s not that. It’s- it’s-” Never had Tugger seen Munk laugh so hard for so long. It was becoming unnerving.

“You gotta get it out or I’m leaving.” 

“Okay, okay, just give me a moment.” Munk took a couple of deep breaths. 

“Better?”

“Yes. I… I also had Misto write my letter for me so no one would recognize my handwriting.” Again Munk fell apart into near hysterical laughter.

“You’re not serious.”

“Dead serious.”

“That’s… we are so pathetic.”

“Yes! We are!” Munk cackled.

“It’s kinda… no, it’s really sad that we had to secretly write to an advice column to figure out how to hang out with each other again.” It was a sobering thought.

“It is.”

“You know, despite you laughing at me, this is kinda nice. Just the two of us hanging out.”

“It is nice.” Munk agreed. “Even if you tried to woo me on a romantic date.” 

“I did not.” Tugger said indignantly. “This was supposed to be a friendship meeting.”

“Uh huh. And the candles and roses and gourmet fancy feast are what you normally give to your friends?” Munk gestured at the setup on the bridge.

“Well, no.” Tugger admitted. “I was going to surprise Bomba but instead thought that you would appreciate this stuff too. And it was all I had on hand.”

“That’s… I don’t even know what to say to that, Tugger.”

“In hindsight maybe I could have saved the roses and candles for her. Would have really made a good start to our evening, even if you had shown up and tried to join us.” Tugger smirked.

“I’d rather not think about it anymore.”

They both sat and stared at the water.

“So why did you pick this place?” Munk asked.

“Don’t you remember?”

“I remember almost drowning here when I was a kit.”

“Well, besides that.” Tugger rolled his eyes. “You taught me how to swim here.”

“I did?” Munk stared at him. “I did, didn’t I? I forgot all about that.”

“Yeah, well I didn’t. As soon as you learned to swim you practically threw me in here to make sure I wouldn’t drown.”

“I was very concerned.”

“I know.” Tugger sighed. “You’re always concerned. That’s why you’re the Jellicle Protector. The role was made for you. Ask anyone and they’ll agree.”

Munk stared at him. Tugger was looking pensively at the water. 

“You know, for a while I was rather jealous of your popularity.” Munk said. “How you can just strut around the junkyard with everyone adoring you is beyond my understanding. Almost admirable, really.”

“What? You’re kidding. I thought you hated that. You’re always rolling your eyes at me and shaking your head.”

“Well, sometimes it’s embarrassing. And annoying. Especially when you interrupt the Jellicle Ball or distract everyone during rehearsals.” Munk sighed. “But honestly, I don’t mind it much anymore. In fact, it’s kind of fun pretending to be more annoyed than I actually am.”

“I never thought about it that way, but you being visibly annoyed does enforce my status as the resident bad boy.” Tugger fluffed his mane. “Maybe instead of hanging out more you should keep standing around like you have a giant stick up your-”

Without even blinking Munk pushed Tugger over the railing and into the water. The maine coon disappeared from sight with a loud splash.

With a faint smile of amusement Munk waited for his brother to surface.

Nothing. Not even a bubble. Munk immediately dove in after him.

“Tugger!” Frantically he searched the waters. “Tug-”

Something grabbed his foot and pulled him underwater. With a gasp he surfaced, sputtering and blinking water out of his eyes. Tugger was grinning at him.

“Tugger! You- you-” Munk was interrupted by a huge splash of water.

“Oh, don’t act all high and mighty, you pushed me in!” Tugger splashed him again.

“You’re going to regret that.” Munk retaliated in the only way he could.

The splash fight that ensued was one for the history books. Both Tugger and Munk declared themselves the winners.

“I’m sorry we haven’t done this in… well, forever.” Munk said, floating on his back as Tugger swam lazy circles around him. “I suppose it’s my fault for not making more time-”

“No, Munk, I think we both just… just drifted apart.” Tugger pushed Munk’s side to send him floating away down the creek.

“Tugger!” Munk paddled back to him. “I was being serious.”

“Yeah, so was I.” Tugger said. 

“How about we have more friendship dates?” Munk suggested.

“Only if you promise to never call them that again.”

“Deal. And we don’t need candles or roses.”

“Deal.”

It was difficult to shake paws while also keeping afloat but they managed. As soon as they exited the water they realized just how cold swimming in a creek in the dead of night could be.

“M- maybe we c-can h-hang out wh-when it’s w-warmer.” Tugger said through chattering teeth as they walked the long way back to the junkyard. “L-like in th-the d-day.”

“Yes. G-good p-plan.” Munk shivered, looking ruefully at the dark sky. “How l-long until th-the sun c-comes up?”

*****

“Well, whatever was going on between them seems to have passed.” Victoria said, watching Munk and Tugger from across the junkyard.

“Yes, thank the Everlasting Cat.” Misto sighed. 

Tugger and Munk were busy rehearsing next year’s production of The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and Pollicles, and to everyone’s surprise not only was Munk open to suggestions on changes that could be made to the show, but also cast Tugger in the starring role.

“I can’t believe Munk cast Tugger as the Great Rumpus Cat for this year’s show.” Etcetera bounced excitedly.

“Looks like they’re going to be spending a lot more time together in rehearsals.” Electra observed. “But that’ll be good for them.”

“Yeah, Tugger’s really handsome as the Rumpus Cat too. So mature and dignified.” Etcetera sighed dreamily.

Munk smiled and patted Tugger on the shoulder, obviously pleased with how the rehearsal was going. Still beaming, the silver tabby walked off to work on another scene, leaving his brother smiling after him.

“Looks like our advice helped them both change for the better.” Etcetera nodded in satisfaction.

“Then again….” Misto trailed off, watching Tugger gleefully reach for a hidden set of bagpipes as soon as Munk was looking the other way. “Some things will never change.”


	6. In Need (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Ran into a smidgen of writer's block but I have not abandoned my writing! This is going to be a two parter so stay tuned for the second part.
> 
> Special thanks to MJ1999 for the idea! Very good idea, very interesting one.

_Dear Cettie,_

_I am in need of urgent advice that, for personal reasons, cannot be written down. If it isn’t too much to ask, could we meet face to face? Two days from now I will be waiting at the location described below. I am very hopeful that you will be able to help me with my problem. You have been such a help to everyone else in the tribe that I know you will be able to provide me with the advice I need._

_\- In Need_

“Huh.” Etcetera said, reading the letter again.

“Got a tricky one?” Tumblebrutus asked, briefly looking up from Pouncival’s fur, where moments before he had been searching for fleas.

“Well, it’s an odd one, that’s for sure.” Etcetera stared down at the paper. 

“What’s the problem this time?” Pounce asked. 

“There isn’t one. At least, the mystery writer didn’t write it down. They want to meet me in person to talk about it.”

“They want to do some kind of secret rendezvous?” Victoria asked, sitting out of flea flicking range.

“I guess so. Kind of exciting, isn’t it?” Etcetera bounced up and down. “I’m totally going to do it. My people need me!”

“What could be so secret that they need to talk to you instead of writing about it?” Victoria’s question sent everyone into a contemplative silence. No one had an answer for her. 

Eventually Etcetera squared her shoulders and grabbed a new piece of paper. “Well, we won’t find out just sitting around. I’m going to do it and see just what the problem is!”

_Dear In Need,_

_Of course I would be happy to meet with you in person! Sometimes a face to face conversation is all that’s needed to solve the problem. Have confidence that all your worries and problems will be solved by yours truly!_

_Sincerely,_

_Cettie_

It was the day of the secret meeting and Victoria, Tumble, Pounce and Etcetera were parked in a patch of sun, trying to find something to do with their day to pass the time before Etcetera’s secret meeting. Word had spread around the junkyard regarding Etcetera’s somewhat cryptic response to the unknown letter, and to Etcetera’s amusement everyone wanted to know when and where the meeting would take place.

“Seriously, everyone’s too curious for their own good! Even Lonz asked me when and where I was meeting this mysterious cat.” Etcetera said, lounging on her back and kicking her feet in the air.

“Well, didja tell him?” Tumble asked.

“No. I have been sworn to secrecy.”

“By who?” Pounce frowned from his perch atop an abandoned dishwasher. “Who made you swear?”

“No one, Pounce.” Victoria was not the type of cat to roll her eyes, but she looked close. “Cettie’s just been very particular about keeping these sorts of things anonymous.”

“It’s the whole reason I set up this system in the first place. And now that this individual wants to meet me face to face, I have to be extra careful not to expose their identity.” Etcetera insisted. “Our meeting tonight is going to be a secret.”

“Oh, so it’s tonight?” Tumble raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Oh, shoot, I wasn’t supposed to say that.” Etcetera quickly sat up. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

“We won’t.” Victoria assured her. “Well, at least, I won’t.”

“I’ve got no one to tell.” Tumble said. “And I doubt Pounce will even remember what you said an hour from now.”

“Hey!” Pounce protested. “I can remember stuff if it’s important!”

The impending argument was interrupted by the arrival of Munkustrap, who was approaching them with an urgently calm demeanor that only he seemed to be able to achieve. Immediately the kittens fell silent.

“Hello, Cettie.” Munk said, gesturing to her with a nod of his head. “Could I speak with you in private for a moment?”

“Oh, sure, Munk.” Etcetera nodded, exchanging a confused look with the others before trotting off after him. 

The others stayed behind, watching as the two settled down to talk out of earshot. Their conversation didn’t last long. Etcetera quickly returned, face red under her fur, and sat down with her tail drawn up close to her body, all of her usual excited energy gone. Munk watched them for a long moment, then visibly sighed and returned to his usual spot on top of the tire. He didn’t look particularly happy about whatever conclusion they had come to.

“What was that all about?” Tumble asked as soon as the four kittens were alone.

“Munk doesn’t want me to go meet with the cat who wrote the most recent letter.” Etcetera said, biting her lip. “He says it’s too dangerous for me.”

“What? But it was written by someone in the junkyard, how could it be dangerous?” Tumble tilted his head to the side, clearly confused.

“I don’t know. But he practically commanded me not to.” Etcetera ducked her head, ears drooping. “I… I don’t think he likes this whole advice column thing.”

“Oh, Cettie, I’m sure he’s fine with it.” Victoria said reassuringly. “He’s just very protective. Which isn’t surprising, since it’s his job to protect all of us.”

“Well, it’s Cettie’s job to answer questions and give advice.” Pounce argued. “So Munk can just leave her alone about the whole thing and let her get on with it.”

“Do you have any idea who the cat is that you were planning on meeting?” Victoria asked.

“No.” Etcetera admitted. “But if they’re embarrassed enough about their problem to keep from writing it out then I don’t mind meeting with them face to face to talk about it. I feel bad for them.”

“You have such a kind heart, Cettie.” Victoria said. “You truly do. But maybe Munk is right. I know it’s not fun playing it safe, but maybe this is a prank, or something worse.”

“Munk should go by a different name, what with all the fun he sucks out of things.” Pounce pouted.

“What could you possibly have in mind?” Victoria asked, looking slightly irritated at the change of subject.

“I dunno.” Pounce shrugged. “He’s being a butt so… Munksbutt. Or Buttstrap.”

Silence descended upon the group as the four contemplated the name. Despite her suddenly gloomy mood Etcetera couldn’t help but laugh. Tumble sputtered, almost choking at the suggestion.

“Please, please call Munk a ‘Buttstrap’ to his face.” Tumble begged his brother. “I need to see the look on his face. And to see what kind of punishment you’d get-- no, Pounce, don’t!”

“Pounce, do you ever take things seriously?” Victoria asked, raising an eyebrow as Pounce launched himself off the dishwasher to tackle his brother for laughing at him.

“Yeah, sometimes.” Pounce eventually responded once he got Tumble in a headlock. “But I thought Cettie had a good idea, and hearing Munk say that it was a dumb idea makes me want to call him a butt.”

“Thanks for your support, Pounce.” Etcetera sighed. “I guess not all my advice is going to be the best. But I was really hoping that some one on one talk might help solve this cat’s problem.”

“I think you should- Tumble, stop, I won, no!” Pounce screeched as Tumble flipped him over and sat on him. “You’re like a million pounds!”

“I am not. You eat way more than I do.” Tumble pulled on Pounce’s ears in retaliation.

“What I was trying to- argh- trying to say- get off!” Pounce flailed his feet and tail around until he was able to wiggle out from underneath Tumble, nearly kicking Etcetera in the face, and climbed up on top of the dishwasher to sit out of reach. “Now you’re being a Buttstrap.”

“Could we please stop saying ‘Buttstrap’?” Victoria groaned. “It sounds terrible.”

“Anyways, what I was trying to say before I was rudely interrupted, was that I think you should just go meet up with this cat anyways.” Pounce said. “I mean, this other cat doesn’t know that Munk told you to not go, so they’ll still show up, right?”

“I guess.” Etcetera said. “But what if Munk finds out?”

“Oh, we can keep Munk from finding out.” Pounce grinned.

“Yeah, don’t worry about him.” Tumble nodded. “You can leave that to us.”

“Old Buttstrap won’t know what hit him.”

“I don’t even want to know what you have planned.” Victoria shook her head. “I’m not having any part of this.”

“Oh, come on, Vicki, it’ll be fine.” Etcetera assured her friend. “And I really do want to help this cat, even if I have to go against what Munk wants.”

*****

Later that night Etcetera quietly slipped away from her den, heading towards the edge of the junkyard to meet with her anonymous writer. Questions about what their meeting could be about kept circling around in her mind, filling her with a nervous, excited energy that put a spring in her step. Although she kept an eye out for Munkustrap she did not run into him. Part of her felt a little guilty for disobeying his wish for her to remain at home, but the need to help the mysterious writer kept her feet moving.

Briefly she was stopped by the unexpected appearance of Alonzo. The black and white cat was sitting directly in her path, enjoying a quiet evening in the moonlight, and it looked like he was content to stay in her way for a while. Etcetera was just about to backtrack to find another way around when, to her horror, Munk appeared.

“Hey, Munk, what’s-” Alonzo’s question was interrupted by the silver tabby roughly grabbing his shoulder and hauling him away.

“There’s no time. Tumble’s been-” Whatever Munk was saying was lost as the two ran off out of earshot.

Etcetera wasted no time. Clearly this was her chance. Quickly she darted down the path towards her destination. Judging by the position of the moon in the sky she would be a little early, but that was fine by her. Better to be early than late and have the mystery writer think she abandoned them.

She needn’t have worried. There was a figure standing in the shadows on the edge of the junkyard, their face obscured in the dark. Clearly they had been waiting for her.

“Hello?” Etcetera crept out into the moonlight. 

The figure didn’t move. They didn’t look familiar either, and quickly Etcetera decided that maybe she had gotten the time and date wrong. Whoever this cat was, this was not who she had been looking for. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought-” Her apology was cut off by movement behind her. Suddenly a bag was thrown over her head as a pair of paws grabbed her arms. “What- hey!”

Someone yelled, something crashed, and the cat holding her momentarily lost their grip. Etcetera tried to run but was soon tangled up in a net that was thrown over her. Around her two unknown voices urgently whispered to one another.

“What the- I thought there was only one to grab!”

“Get him before he runs off!”

There was a scuffle and lots of swearing. Someone screeched.

“Shut him up, quick!”

A thump. A groan. Then silence.

“Jeez, the boss isn’t gonna be happy about this. We’re only supposed to nab the girl.”

“Well, we can’t just leave this one here. He’s made enough of a racket that someone’s bound to have heard it. Grab him and go on ahead. I’ll take her.”

To Etcetera’s horror a pair of arms effortlessly wrapped the net around her and slung her body over a sturdy shoulder. The net made it impossible to move, and the bag over her head kept her from seeing her attacker. As soon as she made any sort of noise she was rudely cuffed across the back of the head, stunning her enough to keep her quiet.

She wasn’t sure how long she was carried before the bag was torn off her head and the net pulled away from her body. Unceremoniously she was shoved into a dark, cold, room, the door slamming behind her and plunging everything into darkness. There wasn’t even a sliver of light to see by, forcing her to stumble blindly into the dark, arms outstretched to keep her from crashing into anything.

Unfortunately she did not anticipate having company. Her paws brushed against something furry. Etcetera screamed before she could stop herself. The thing in the room with her screamed in response.

“Stay- stay back!” Etcetera yelled, trying to take a swing at her unknown cellmate. “I’ll get you!”

“Not if I get you first!” A very familiar voice responded. “I’ve gotta brother and he’s real mean and if you don’t leave me alone then he’ll get you!”

Etcetera paused. “Pounce?”

“Cettie?” Pounce’s attempt at intimidation quickly turned into confusion.

“How did you get here?”

“I dunno. Probably the same way you did.” He shuffled around in the dark. “I saw some guys go after you and then when I jumped in they, er, they got me.”

A paw kicked Etcetera’s foot. “Ow!”

“Sorry. Can’t see anything.” Pounce apologized. The paw patted her foot, then the rest of him quickly pressed up against her side. 

“What are we gonna do?” Etcetera whispered, leaning up against him to enjoy the small comfort.

“Obviously we gotta get out of here.” 

“Well, yeah, but how?”

“I dunno.” Pounce shrugged. “Didn’t really plan for this to happen.”

“Do you think the others will notice that we’re gone?”

“Eventually. Although Tumble’s probably still keeping Munk busy. It’ll be a while before either of them figures out that we’ve been kidnapped.”

“What did you and Tumble do to him?” Etcetera asked suspiciously. “I saw him run up and grab Lonz and say something about Tumble.”

“I didn’t do anything.” Pounce automatically protested. 

“Pounce.”

“Sorry. It’s a habit.” Pounce coughed. “Anyways, Tumble went and hid and I found Munk and told him that Tumble had been kidnapped.”

“Pounce, you didn’t!” Etcetera gasped.

“Yeah, kinda funny how the lie became the truth.”

“And Munk believed you when you said Tumble was kidnapped?”

“Of course he did. I sold it really well. I even shed a tear or two.” Pounce said rather indignantly. “The plan was for me to take Munk to the other side of the junkyard and then have Tumble make a bunch of noise and stuff to distract him, and then I would slip away so I could come spy on you.”

“Spy on me?”

“Well, yeah, I wanted to see who you were gonna meet up with.”

“Guess you got to see who it was after all.” Etcetera shivered. “I’m so sorry, Pounce.”

“Why’re you sorry?”

“You’re here because of me. Because of the letter and because I went against what Munk said and met up with some strange cat in the middle of the night. I should have known it was a trap.”

“Excuse me, but I was the one who said you should ignore Munk and go meet the strange cat by yourself in the middle of the night.” Pounce said. “So… ‘s not your fault. Anyways, who would’ve expected some kidnapper to write you a letter as part of some scheme to take you and throw you in here? Kinda weird plan if you ask me.”

“Thanks, Pounce. I’m glad you’re here. I mean, I’m not glad you’re here!.” Etcetera quickly clarified. “I mean, I’m glad that I’m not alone.”

“Yeah, same. It’d suck to be down here by myself.” Pounce bumped his shoulder up against hers. “Wherever this place is.”

“I hope Munk and the others find us soon.” Etcetera tried her best to stay brave, but she couldn’t keep the fear out of her voice.

“They will.” Pounce put an arm around her shoulders. “We’re like, the two most interesting cats in the junkyard. The tribe will be so boring without us.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yeah. And besides, who’s gonna answer all those letters? I bet they’re piling up right now.” It was a clear attempt by Pounce to keep their minds on anything other than their current situation. A situation that Etcetera had already decided was all her fault.

“I don’t think I’m gonna be able to answer any more letters after this. So far all my advice has turned out bad.”

“Are you kidding?” It was too dark to see Pounce’s face but his outrage was obvious. “What are you saying?”

“Well, look at us.” Etcetera sniffed. “We’re trapped here because I wanted to give some stranger some advice and I thought- I thought-”

“We’re trapped here because your writer was a big butt and kidnapped us. You just wanted to help someone out. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help someone. Besides, your advice has been good so far.”

“I dunno, Pounce.”

“I do. You helped Tumble figure out that he doesn’t have a crush on Misto, which was really helpful for me since it was really annoying listening to him wonder about it all the time. You also helped Lonz get Munk to go to sleep, even if they ended up handcuffed together. We’re all happy about that, since Munk gets cranky when he’s sleep deprived.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.” Etcetera nodded. “Wait, how did you find out about Munk and Lonz?”

“Oh, I saw Munk drag Lonz to Jenny’s to try and sort it out. Pretty easy to see that they were handcuffed.”

“And you kept that to yourself?”

“Well, Tumble didn’t believe me when I told him, so who else was I gonna tell?” Pounce sighed. “No one believes me when I tell the truth.”

“That’s because you tend to… exaggerate stuff.” Etcetera said delicately.

“It’s not my fault that things are boring most of the time! Anyways, you also gave me advice on how to sneak into Munk’s meeting with the others that one time. If Tumble hadn’t messed up no one would’ve known it was me.” Pounce squeezed her shoulder as he thought. “Oh, and you also helped Jemi figure out how to be tough. And helped those brothers figure out how to be friends again. That’s a lot of cats you helped out.”

Etcetera couldn’t help but glow a little at the praise. Despite the darkness, despite the uncertainty of their situation, despite the lingering danger outside their prison, Pounce had somehow managed to make her feel happy. For once she was lost for words.

“Thanks, Pounce.” Was all she could say. “That’s really nice of you.”

“Yeah, well, you deserve it.” She felt him shift uncomfortably, arm still around her shoulders. “Just… don’t go telling people that I’m all nice and stuff. It’d ruin my tough guy image.”

Etcetera giggled. “I promise not to tell. Your secret is safe with me.”

“Now that we got all that mushy emotional stuff over with, what are we gonna do about this?” Etcetera felt Pounce gesture to the room around them.

“I don’t know, Pounce. But I think I know where to start.” She carefully slipped out from under his arm, taking his paw in her own as she hauled them both to their feet. “Let’s… let’s see if we can feel a way out.”

“Yeah, good idea.” 

Together they slowly edged along the wall, inching forward step by step, until they ran into another wall. Eventually they traced the perimeter of the small, rectangular room they had been shoved into. There were no windows and only one door which was, predictably, locked. 

“Looks like we’re stuck here.” Etcetera sighed.

“Well, might as well get comfy.” Pounce shuffled back along the wall until they were as far away from the door as possible. “At least it’s dry and doesn’t stink in here.”

“Your standards are kinda low, Pounce.”

“Hey, when you’ve been stuck in various pieces of junk you figure out what you like and don’t like.”

“And how many pieces of junk have you been stuck in, Pounce?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Pounce said quickly. “Let’s just… let’s try and get some sleep or something. Whoever threw us in here’s probably busy and won’t come back for a while.”

Together they curled up in the corner, trying not to let their thoughts drift to what lay waiting for them outside the door. Eventually Pounce’s breathing slowed and he relaxed next to her, falling into an uneasy sleep, but Etcetera wasn’t so easily able to follow him into slumber. Warily she kept watch, hoping against hope that someone would be able to find them before their kidnapper returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for part two!


	7. In Need (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part two. While this is the end of this particular letter this isn't the end of the series!

Etcetera didn’t recall settling down and falling asleep, but suddenly she was wide awake, eyes roaming around the dimly lit room. A small sliver of light crept in from under the only door, allowing her enough light to see by. To her surprise there was a window but it was boarded up and inaccessible. Something slimy glistened in the corner opposite them.

Her thoughts quickly turned to the events of the night before, especially focusing on who was the culprit responsible for her current situation. There was one immediate, obvious cat that came to mind, but she couldn’t figure out why the cat would want to kidnap her out of all the potential cats in the tribe. 

A loud snore interrupted the peace and quiet. Pouncival was still sprawled out on the cold floor, fast asleep and oblivious to their plight. Immediately Etcetera started to pull on his tail, not wanting to be alone with her thoughts any longer.

“Argh!” Pounce screeched, fur standing on end as he took a swing at her. “Get off me! Fiends!”

“Pounce!” Etcetera dodged his flailing arms and legs. “It’s me!”

“Oh, right. Uh, sorry. Got a little startled.” Pounce shook himself, squinting around the room in the low light. “Aw, are we still in this dump?”

“Yeah.” Etcetera sighed. “At least we can see a little.”

“I was really hoping this was all a dream.” Pounce started to pace the room. “Any idea who put us here?”

“I can think of someone, but I don’t know why he would do this.” Etcetera wrung her paws together. “Or why he would want to kidnap us.”

“Pretty sure I can guess who you’re talking about.” Pounce paused at the slimy stuff in the corner of the room, immediately fascinated. “What’s this stuff? It smells terrible.”

“Pounce, focus. We’re in real big trouble if Macavity is behind this.”

“Well, if it is Macavity, then there’s not much more trouble we can get into at this point.” Pounce tried to sound nonchalant, but his trembling betrayed his fear. “This is about as much trouble as we can get.”

“Maybe this is all a mistake.” Even as she said the words she knew the excuse was a flimsy one. “Maybe he meant to kidnap someone else.”

“I… I don’t think so, Cettie. He wrote that letter to you.”

They both sat in silence as they contemplated the situation.

“How are we going to get out?” Etcetera finally asked.

“I dunno. You’re the one with all the ideas.” Pounce twitched his tail thoughtfully. 

“I can’t think of anything!”

“How about you act like it’s a question someone wrote to you?”

“What?”

“Yeah, yeah, pretend that this is a letter from someone asking for advice. Er, lemme think for a second.” Pounce stood and started to pace the room again, Etcetera staring up at him. “‘Dear Cettie-’”

“Pounce, this isn’t-”

“Shush! I’m writing a letter!” Pounce shot her a sour look. “Anyways. ‘Dear Cettie, I’m currently trapped in a room with no way out. There’s a door but it only opens from the outside. And I’m pretty sure Macavity is behind it all, because he always is. Also there are henchcats. What should I do? Signed, Stuck’.”

With that Pounce mimed signing a letter and placing it in the box. The absurdity of it all made her giggle, but dutifully Etcetera pretended to take the letter out of the box and read it.

“Well? What do you think?” Pounce asked. “What would you tell this poor, very anonymous writer?”

“Give me a minute, I just got the letter. These things take some time.”

“Fine.”

It didn’t take long for Etcetera’s mind to come up with something, even if it wasn’t the most conventional of ideas. So long as she approached the problem from the advice giving point of view and didn’t focus on the fact that they were trapped at the whims of the Napoleon of Crime, she could keep a steady mind. 

“Right. So, I’m thinking that you’re not supposed to be here.” She finally said.

“What?”

“Macavity wrote the letter to me. So he only wanted me to come and get kidnapped. He didn’t think about you showing up. But then he had to kidnap you too or else you’d go tell the others.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“So let’s use that to help us out. If at least one of us can escape, then whoever gets out can go run for help.”

“Fair enough. But who gets to escape?

“It’s gotta be you, Pounce. Macavity probably wants to keep me around for some reason, but he has no reason to keep you.”

“I don’t like what you’re implying.”

“Also, you’re faster than me. So you can get back to the junkyard before I could.”

“I’m not leaving you behind!”

“I’m gonna try and escape too, but it’s more important for you to get out if only one of us can escape.” Etcetera took him by the shoulders and stared into his eyes. “You can do this. Don’t be scared.”

“I’m- I’m not scared.” Pounce stared down at the floor. “I’m just… I don’t want you to be left alone with these weirdos.”

“It’ll be okay. Who knows, maybe Macavity really does want advice after all.”

“I don’t even wanna think about what Macavity would want advice about.” Pounce shuddered. “The sooner we get out of here the better.”

“Agreed. Now, here’s what we’re gonna do.”

The plan was, admittedly, not the best her mind could come up with. But, given the circumstances, it was all she had. Neither of them knew when the henchcats would return, or, Heaviside forbid, Macavity would make an appearance, so they had to act fast.

“Do I really have to?” Pounce whined, staring at the slimy corner with uncharacteristic concern. “I dunno why this has to be part of the plan.”

“C’mon, Pounce, I thought guys loved gross stuff.” Etcetera nudged him closer to the corner. 

“Yeah, well, ‘s cool looking and interesting and all, but I do have some standards.”

Etcetera stared at him.

“What? I do!” He protested. “I don’t wanna get it on me!”

“You have to, otherwise the plan won’t work!”

“Well why don’t you-”

“I’ve already explained, now get to it!” Etcetera gave him a good shove, sending him headfirst into the slime. 

It was rather cruel, especially since neither of them were sure what the slime actually was (maybe some sort of mold?), but it was crucial to the plan. Sullenly Pounce rolled in the slime, grimacing all the while, until he was thoroughly coated. His feet slid on the floor as he wandered over towards the center of the room.

“Forget what I said about Munk being a butt. Macavity is much worse.” Pounce flopped down on the floor, trying not to smell himself. “He should be called… Buttcavity for this.”

“I appreciate your willingness to take part in the plan.” Etcetera moved to pat him on the shoulder but wisely thought better of it. “Now for phase two.”

“I still think you should slime yourself.”

“Hush. Remember what you’re supposed to do.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Pounce curled up on his side and shut his eyes. “Just… be careful.”

“I will.” Etcetera promised, standing in front of the door and knocking loudly on the wood. “Help! Help!”

Eventually there was a rustling on the other side of the door. “Whatcha want?”

“My friend, he’s really sick! You have to help him!”

“What?”

“He’s dying! You have to come look at him now or he’s gonna die and then it will be all your fault-”

“Okay, okay, hold yer horses, jeez.” There was a click of the lock and the door inched open. Daylight filled the room. “Get back up against the wall.”

Slowly Etcetera backed away. The henchcat was smart enough to close the door behind him, but he noticeably left it unlocked. Cautiously he approached Pounce’s seemingly unconscious body.

“Hey, what’s wrong with-” As soon as the henchcat touched him Pounce was up on his feet, throwing slime in the cat’s eyes and making a beeline for the door. 

The henchcat yowled and threw an arm around him, but his fur was so slimy and slippery that Pounce simply slid away and out of reach. The more the henchcat tried to grab Pounce the slimier he became, until eventually it was a lost cause and Pounce threw the door open, bolting outside to freedom.

Etcetera tried to take advantage of the confusion to run after him but was stopped by the arrival of an intimidating sight. The henchcat wiped the slime out of his eyes and tried to explain what happened, but the new cat simply gestured for him to leave. Meekly the huge cat slunk out of the room, fear and trepidation radiating off of him. All plans of escape evaporated as the new cat shut the door, trapping Etcetera once more.

“Well, well, looks like you do have a clever mind after all.” Macavity purred, standing between her and the door. “At least compared to my henchcats. Maybe I’ll reconsider what I was originally planning on doing with you.”

“Wh-what w-were you gonna d-do?” Etcetera stammered, backing up against the wall. 

“Now, don’t be frightened. I’m not going to hurt you. So long as you do what I say, you’ll be quite comfortable here.” Macavity held out a paw towards her. “Would you like to go somewhere a little less dark and dreary?”

Yes, Etcetera very much would have liked to have been anywhere but in the room she was in, but if it meant tagging alongside Macavity then it would have to be a no. All she could do was shake her head.

“Very well. We will stay here.” To her surprise Macavity sat down on the floor, impatiently gesturing for her to do the same. “If that slippery little runt is as fast as he seems then we don’t have much time.”

“Time?” Slowly Etcetera slid down the wall until she was seated. The absurdity of the situation was slowly overriding her terror of Macavity’s presence. “Wh-what are you waiting for?”

“Do you really think that I’d be incapable of stopping a mere kitten from escaping my grasp?” Macavity sneered. “The runt’s escape is part of the bigger picture. I want him to run back to your pathetic tribe and tell them what happened. Once Munkustrap comes to the rescue then I will capture him as originally intended.”

“But… if you wanted Munk all along, why didn’t you capture him in the first place instead of me?” Her curiosity had gotten the better of her by this point. 

“As soon as I heard of your little letter writing venture I knew it would be only a matter of time before I could lure you away from the others with a fake letter of my own. It was pathetically easy to get you alone. And it’s painfully clear that Munkustrap is willing to do anything to protect his dear little family. It is much easier to capture him if he willingly comes to me.”

“But why do you want Munk?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Macavity looked vaguely irritated. “Because he’s the one cat that always gets in my way. No matter what I do he’s right there, ready to stop my plans. Old Deuteronomy would have been mine if Munkustrap hadn’t stepped in and fought me. That insufferable cat is always thinking of ways to stop me.”

Etcetera was about to point out that both Munk and Alonzo had fought Macavity off, and that technically it was Mistoffelees that had brought Old Deuteronomy back, but she wisely decided not to mention it. The longer she kept Macavity talking the more time the others had to come to her rescue.

“Well, uh, Munk’s just doing his job.” Etcetera said instead. “He is the Jellicle Protector. Maybe- maybe if you didn’t try to attack us all the time or kidnap us then… then he wouldn’t care about you as much?”

Macavity snorted. It was a very odd noise to hear from the Mystery Cat.

“Um...” Etcetera continued, mainly because the more she talked the less afraid she felt. “Also, Munk doesn’t constantly think of ways to stop you. He’s pretty busy with other stuff. Usually when he stops someone from doing something it’s only because he wants to keep everybody safe.”

At those words Etcetera’s mind flashed back to the conversation she had with Munk before she had been kidnapped. If she had stopped to listen to him then she wouldn’t have been in this mess in the first place. She would definitely have to apologize to him once she saw him again. If she saw him again.

“You don’t have to praise him. I know what Munkustrap is like.” Macavity spat. 

“I’m- I’m just saying that Munk’s got a lot that he’s concerned about, and it’s mainly about the tribe, so… if you wanted to keep doing criminal things, then you could probably get away with it so long as it didn’t bother the tribe.”

“Please, as if you’d know what Munkustrap’s concerned about.”

“Well, yeah, I kinda do. Since I started doing the letter writing thing I’ve got a good idea of what’s bothering the tribe. And… and since Munk cares about everyone, it’s easy to assume that he’s dealing with all the other problems the cats aren’t writing about.”

Macavity looked interested. “And who, pray tell, is experiencing such problems?”

“Uh… well….” Etcetera was very aware that any information she gave to Macavity could be used against the rest of the tribe, no matter how trivial it may be. 

“Tell me, or I will make your stay here very miserable.” Macavity growled, showing off his wicked claws.

“W-well….” Suddenly a thought came to mind. “I- I can’t. Because of- because of confidentiality!”

“What?”

“Yeah, uh, it’s an anonymous advice column. Cats feel comfortable writing to me because I keep their true identities a secret. If I told you then I would be betraying their trust.”

“Seriously.”

“Yeah. Uh… sorry.”

“Truly you are a peculiar kitten.” Macavity lowered his claws. 

“Um, well, what I said earlier still is true. If you didn’t keep attacking or kidnapping us then Munk would probably leave you alone since he’s pretty busy with other stuff. The only time he cares is when you come into the junkyard. Maybe you could spend some time, uh, doing other things? Give Munk and yourself some space? And, er, if Munk sees that you’re not constantly out to get us then maybe he won’t always suspect you?”

“I did not ask for your advice.”

“You kinda did. You wrote me a letter.” The words slipped out before she could stop them.

For a brief, terrifying moment Macavity looked like he was about to explode in rage. Etcetera braced herself for the inevitable blow. To her complete surprise Macavity started to laugh.

“That I did. I cannot fault you for doing your job.” Macavity stood. “And you propose an interesting prospect. You have given me something to consider, at the very least. Perhaps I will try a new approach.”

To her complete and utter surprise her captor opened the door. “You are no longer useful to me. Leave before I change my mind.”

There was no time to wonder if it was a trap. Etcetera was on her feet and out the door in an instant, running blindly into the open air with no intention of stopping. It was only when she ran into a very tall, very solid being did she come to an abrupt halt. A pair of paws were upon her. Wildly she flailed and scratched at her new attacker.

“Cettie! Stop! It’s me!” Munkustrap’s voice had never sounded so wonderful.

Immediately Etcetera threw her arms around him and buried her face in his fur. “Munk! I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you and met up with a stranger in the middle of the night and got me and Pounce kidnapped and was thrown into Macavity’s dungeon and covered Pounce in slime and-”

“Calm down, calm down.” Munk gently pulled her away, looking her over. “Are you hurt?”

“No.” Etcetera wiped her eyes and sniffled. “I’m fine.”

“What happened? How did you escape?”

“He let me go.”

“He did what?” Munk’s eyes grew wide. “It has to be a trap.”

“I don’t think it is. I… I gave him some advice and I think he’s gonna think about it.”

“You… you gave Macavity advice.”

“Yeah.” Etcetera felt a manic giggle well up inside her. 

Quickly Munk led them both back towards the junkyard, signaling to other, unseen cats to return home as well. Apparently Pounce had made it home, slimy and stinking and wild, and told everyone of Macavity’s plans. There was a large group of cats ready to come to Etcetera’s rescue but the plans were interrupted by Etcetera’s unexpected appearance. 

As they made the return trip home Etcetera told Munk about her conversation with Macavity. The silver tabby listened with growing bewilderment, remaining silent through it all. Their arrival back at the junkyard did not go unnoticed, but Munk swiftly pulled Etcetera aside so they could speak in private.

“So he let you go, just like that?” Munk finally asked once the tale was over. 

“Yeah. I think he’s going to leave us alone for a while.” Etcetera shrugged, feeling much more at ease now that they were back in the safety of the junkyard.

“I find that hard to believe, but… stranger things have happened.” Munk sighed. “For now, please promise me one thing.”

“I know, I know. I’ll stop doing the advice column.” Etcetera felt a tiny piece of her heart break at the thought, but it was obvious what he was going to say.

“Why would you do that?” Munk asked, clearly confused.

“Because… because you want me to? That’s what you wanted, right?”

“No, I’m not saying that. I wanted you to promise me that you wouldn’t go meeting unknown cats in the middle of the night, especially after I’ve already asked you not to. It’s too dangerous.”

“Oh.” Etcetera looked down at her paws. “I… I’m sorry for disobeying you, Munk. I understand now that all you want is for all of us to be safe.”

“Well, yes, of course I do. I also think that this advice column has potential to get a little out of hand, but I don’t want you to shut it down.” Munk sat next to her, giving her shoulder a gentle nudge. “Your advice, while having the potential to be wildly misinterpreted, has been overall helpful. And I think you’ve learned a valuable lesson about meeting up with strangers all alone in the middle of the night.”

“Yeah, I won’t do that again.” Etcetera let out a long sigh of relief. “And I promise to listen when you tell me not to do something.”

“That would be appreciated.” Munk nuzzled her affectionately. “I can’t keep an eye on everyone at once, no matter how hard I try. Keeping tabs on Pounce alone is more than enough for one cat.”

“I think he’ll stay put for a while after being slimed.” Etcetera giggled.

“Hopefully everyone will stay put for a while. I’d rather not go out on another rescue mission.” Munk sighed. 

“Thanks, Munk. For coming to rescue me.” Etcetera’s words were sincere. “You’re not a Buttstrap after all.”

“You’re wel- what?”

And with that Etcetera was racing off across the junkyard, off to check the letter box for any new questions before Munk could change his mind.


	8. Needs Cheering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very juvenile and I have no shame. Sometimes the simplest things in life are what keep me amused. Also thanks to a very special someone for the inspiration for this chapter.

_Dear Cettie,_

_My friend has been sad recently and I want to do something to cheer them up. What are your suggestions for making them feel better? Preferably something that doesn’t involve food or Munkustrap._

_Sincerely,_

_Needs Cheering_

“This one seems simple enough.” Electra said, nudging Etcetera’s side. The queen was staring off into space.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Simple.” Etcetera sighed. 

“What’s gotten into you? You should be more excited about getting another letter.”

“It’s just… I dunno. Just… stuff.”

Both Victoria and Electra stared at her.

“See, I didn’t want to tell you guys because then you’d be worried.” Etcetera sighed again. 

“Well now you have to tell us.” Victoria insisted.

“It’s just ever since the Macavity incident this whole advice column seems a little… less fun. Not as helpful. What if I accidentally get other cats in trouble with my advice? Look where my own advice got me.”

“Oh, Cettie, you’re not going to get other cats in trouble.” Electra said, putting a comforting arm around Etcetera’s shoulders. “That Macavity thing would have happened with or without the letter. And you were the one most affected by it.”

“And Pounce.” Etcetera added.

“Well, he seems to have gotten over it quickly.” Victoria told her. “At least, he’s been going around telling everyone how the two of you, and I quote, ‘beat Macavity’s butt’ and ‘gave him the advice to go kick himself’.”

“I didn’t say that-”

“I know, but my point is that Pounce is fine. And you are still capable of giving great advice to cats who need it. You even gave advice to Macavity and he let you go. I’d say that’s as good a recommendation as they come. Clearly you’re still a trustworthy source of help to the other cats around here.”

“Like this cat.” Electra shoved the letter into Etcetera’s paws. “Let’s get to it!”

“Okay, okay.” Etcetera studied the letter. “Back in the game we go.”

_Dear Needs Cheering,_

_Sometimes all it takes to cheer up a friend is to let them know you’re there for them. A small note, a gift, anything to let them know that you’re thinking about them will be better than nothing. Just let them know that there’s always a reason to feel cheerful even when things might be getting them down._

_Of course, don’t bombard them with overwhelming cheerfulness. Becoming cheery after being sad takes time. If you’re truly stuck on what to do, then try to do something for them that would make you feel better. So long as your heart is in it your friend will be able to see just how much you love them._

_Cheers,_

_Cettie_

After posting the reply to the bulletin board Etcetera retreated to her den, seeking solitude instead of the company of other cats like she usually did. Munkustrap had stopped by to check on her, reassuring her that her advice would not get another cat kidnapped by Macavity, but his words did nothing to lift her mood. Would she feel this way forever? When had she last laughed or smiled? All she wanted to do was curl up and sleep.

“Hey, Cettie.” Pouncival’s voice broke her out of her gloomy thoughts. “Got a second?”

Carefully he crawled into her den, giving her a hopeful look. It had been a couple of days since she had seen either him or Tumblebrutus. She had assumed that, like her, he was taking time to recover from being Macavity’s prisoner.

“Hi, Pounce.” She tried to put on a smile. “What’s up?”

“Um, I found a cool bug. I, er, I need you to come look at it.” Nervously he fiddled with his tail. “Like, right now.”

“Thanks, Pounce, but I’m kinda busy.” It was a lie, but she didn’t really feel up to going off with Pounce on whatever adventure he had in mind. Not after the last adventure they had inadvertently been on together.

“Oh.” He visibly deflated. “You don’t even have a minute?”

It was impossible to tell him no, not when he looked as downtrodden as she felt. Maybe she could stand to go out and look at the bug for just a minute. Some fresh air might be just what she needed after being cooped up in her den for so long.

“Oh alright.” She allowed him to pull her to her feet. “Where’s this bug?”

“Yes!” Instantly he was back to his bouncy self. “Right this way! You’re gonna love it, I promise.”

Excitedly Pounce led her to the center of the junkyard where Tumble was busy practicing cartwheels. As soon as Tumble saw the two he scurried off out of sight, a gleeful grin on his face. Pounce ignored his brother’s odd behavior and guided her over to sit in front of the tire.

“Must be some bug.” Etcetera remarked, sitting down on a cushion Pounce procured for her.

“Yeah, uh, just sit there and I’ll go get it.” Quickly he disappeared into the pile of junk. 

Suddenly the junkyard went dark. Etcetera felt her heart beat faster, eyes darting everywhere for signs of trouble, but she spied Mistoffelees perched on top of a rusted car. His paws were raised as he clearly controlled the lights.

“Misto, what’s going on?”

“I wish I could explain it, but really, you just need to experience it for yourself.” The magician said, mouth twitching in an oddly exasperated smile. 

With a flourish Misto created a spotlight in the center of the clearing. From out of the shadows Pounce crawled forward, standing in a crouch with his head held high and a deadly serious look on his face. Etcetera couldn’t help but smile at the absurd sight.

“Do you fart when you’re born?” Pounce’s voice boomed throughout the junkyard in a shockingly good imitation of Munkustrap.

“Can you fart in the dark?” Tumble appeared in a spotlight of his own, crouched over and singing in a falsetto that made Etcetera’s ears tingle.

“Dare you fart at a king?” Pounce asked his brother.

“Would you fart on his throne?” Tumble replied.

“Do you say of your fart, that it’s worse than a fart?”

“Are you fart of the fart?”

“When you’re farting alone?”

Etcetera didn’t know whether to laugh or simply gape in bewilderment as Pounce and Tumble did their best to reenact the Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats entirely by themselves through fart jokes. Truly they had made an effort to cheer her up, but the extent at which they had gone to was simply on a whole other level, no, universe than what she would expect them to do.

“When you fart on your head, do you fart on your feet?”

“Are you tense when you sense there’s a fart in the air?”

She couldn’t take it anymore. Cackling in delight, she settled in for what was going to be an unforgettable show. Little did she know there was more than just one song they had planned to perform for her.

*****

More cats appeared somewhere in between the lines ‘Can you fart at the same time in more than one key’ and ‘farting at astronomical heights’, each one completely baffled by the lyrics that reached their ears. 

It was after ‘I have a Gumbie fart in mind’ that Jennyanydots showed up, just in time to see Pounce toddle out in one of her old robes stuffed with yarn. After a minute of listening to the new lyrics she left, only to come back when it was apparent that it was worse to sit in the silence of her den and imagine what else the two brothers had come up with. At least if she were there to witness it she wouldn’t have to wonder.

Speaking of wondering, where was Munkustrap? Surely he had something to say about this new spin on time honored, treasured, highly respected songs.

“Munkustrap, I hope you have an explanation for what’s going on.” Jenny found the Jellicle Protector sitting on the tire with Alonzo, eyes closed and ears flat against his head. 

“They rewrote the Jellicle Ball, Jenny.” Munk did not open his eyes. “The _entire_ Jellicle Ball. It’s clear they've been paying close attention to every rehearsal.”

“They’re even doing the parts they’re not usually involved in.” Alonzo added. “I honestly didn’t think they had that much focus.”

“Well they certainly can’t perform the whole thing by themselves.” Jenny sounded less than confident the longer she listened. Clearly the two toms were on a roll and were only gaining steam the longer they went.

“They can. And they are.” Munk bemoaned. “They’ve been at it since sundown.” 

“Which part are they at now?”

“They just started in on Grizabella.” Demeter confirmed, having just returned from Pounce and Tumble’s growing audience. Half the junkyard was watching them by this point, drawn out by the gross lyrics and purposefully off key caterwauling. 

Munk groaned. “We’re not even at the halfway point.”

“I myself am interested in seeing how they handle Gus the Theatre Cat.” Tugger hopped up onto the tire to watch. “If I had known they were going all out I’d have given them some of my own lyrics to work with.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’d have plenty to contribute.” Alonzo rolled his eyes. “How’d your song go? Wait, let me recite it for you once again.”

“Don’t-”

“The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious fart!” Alonzo sang, his smooth vocals doing nothing to glamorize the mental images the words created. “If you offer me cabbage, I’d rather have beans!”

“Please, hearing it once was enough.” Munk finally opened his eyes and slid off the tire. 

“Where are you going?” Both Tugger and Alonzo asked.

“Anywhere but here.” Off Munk went, skirting around the large gathering of cats who were cackling at Tumble and Pounce’s impression of Grizabella the Glamour Fart. The Everlasting Cat was going to smite them all, he just knew it.

“She farted about the no man’s land, from the Rising Sun, to the Friend at Hand.” Pounce’s voice, while usually pleasant, hit all the wrong notes that Demeter normally sang. “And the postman sighed as he pinched his nose. The hell did she eat, what do you suppose?”

It truly was a memorable night. Tumble and Pounce had taken it upon themselves to act out every song while singing the new lyrics they had come up with, creating lasting impressions that would certainly linger in everyone’s minds for years to come. Munk made a mental note to figure out how to use their musical talents for good and not leave them to their own devices in the future. Clearly they had too much time to kill as it was.

Munk made his reappearance sometime near dawn, hoping that maybe the show would be over by then. Uproarious laughter alerted him that it was not over. Against his better judgment he got closer to listen.

“There’s a fart down the line at eleven thirty nine-”

“Heaviside and Everlasting Cat above, I need a vacation.” Munk muttered, slinking back off the way he came. 

*****

Finally, just after the sun rose, it was over. Etcetera didn’t think she could laugh anymore. Sure, the humor was juvenile, but it was exactly the sort of thing that Pounce and Tumble would have found amusing. And, thanks to the incredible amount of heart and soul they put into their performance, she found it hilarious as well.

“So.” Pounce said, sitting down next to her once the crowd cleared out. “What’d you think?”

“You certainly laughed a lot.” Tumble remarked, sitting down on her other side.

“It was certainly something, I’ll give you that.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “How on earth did you come up with enough material for the entire Jellicle Ball?”

“Well, to be honest, the lyrics weren’t that hard to come up with.” Pounce admitted.

“I can only imagine how long you’ve been waiting to sing about farts.” Etcetera giggled. 

“Only all the time.” Pounce sighed. “There never was a good time or place to let it all out in the open, as it were.”

“It was only recently did we get the idea to perform such a wondrous show for an audience.” Tumble said. 

“Oh? And what finally made you two perform it?”

“You, of course.” Pounce playfully bumped her shoulder with his.

“Me? What do you- wait, you wrote that letter about me?”

“Yeah. You’ve been down in the dumps ever since the Macavity thing, so Pounce came up with the idea of writing to you to ask what to do about cheering you up.” Tumble said, completely matter of fact. 

“And that led to Farts the Musical?” Etcetera could barely say it with a straight face.

“Farts are funny. Don’t deny it, you laughed.” Pounce said.

“I just… I don’t know what to say.” 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Tumble said.

“Just… you don’t have to be all cheerful and stuff right away, but promise you won’t disappear and be all gloomy forever.” Pounce cleared his throat. “I, uh, I miss you. Um, I mean, me and Tumble miss you.”

“I promise not to be Miss Doom and Gloom forever. How could I be after such an unforgettable performance?” Etcetera hugged them both. “Thanks guys.”

“Anytime.” Tumble grinned.

“Now, who wants to hear my new song, ‘Beautiful Farts’?” Pounce jumped up and flourished. “Follow my farts, if you dare to-”

“No!” Munk’s voice rang out across the junkyard. “You’re done, go to bed!”

The three kittens scurried off to their respective dens. Etcetera couldn’t help but feel a little bit brighter after such a ridiculous show. Things would get better so long as she had the support of her friends, and in turn she would be able to support the others with her advice.


	9. Identity Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I haven't forgotten this fic! Been working on a few other stories but had an idea for this one that just wouldn't let me go.

_Dear Cettie,_

_I feel like my sense of self has been lost and I do not know how to bring it back. All my life I thought I was happy with who I was and my role in the tribe, but lately there have been doubts. Would you please share advice on how to reestablish myself as an individual and restore my self confidence?_

_Kind regards,_

_Identity Crisis_

“Wow, that’s kind of a heavy subject.” Electra said as Etcetera pondered over her newest letter. “How can you help someone figure out who they are if you don’t even know who it is?”

“It will be a bit of a challenge.” Etcetera admitted. “But we haven’t let anyone down so far and I’m not about to start now.”

“How does one find their role in the tribe?” Victoria wondered. 

“I’ve never really thought about it.” Etcetera tapped her chin. “I mean, some cats have songs that tell us who they are, like Tugger or Jenny. That’s easy enough.”

“But not all cats have songs about them.” Electra reminded her.

“Yeah, but we still know who they are and what they’re good at. Munk doesn’t have a song but he’s the Jellicle Protector. We know he’s the best at protecting everyone and keeping us all in line.”

“He sings a lot though, so it’s almost like he’s got his own song. And I think we can all say that the Pekes and Pollicles song is his by now.” Everyone nodded at Electra’s point.

“Okay, okay, how about Bomba?” Etcetera suggested. “She doesn’t have her own song but she clearly knows who she is.”

“She certainly has enough self confidence.” Victoria agreed. “I wish I had as much as she does.”

“Oh, Vicki, you’re plenty confident! You have your own solo at the Jellicle Ball. It takes a lot of confidence to be able to dance by yourself in front of everybody.” Etcetera encouragingly patted the white queen’s shoulder. “Everyone knows you’re one of the best dancers around.”

“Yes, but just because I enjoy dancing doesn’t mean I’m completely confident about it.” 

“Okay, but you’re still one of the best.” 

“Very well.” Victoria smiled at her. “Then I have to say that you are certainly Tugger’s number one fan. I’m quite confident that no one else can come close to the level of enthusiasm you have whenever he walks into view.”

“That is an honor I take pride in.” Etcetera glowed at the praise.

“What about me?” Electra asked. “I like to dance and watch Tugger too.”

“You?” Both Etcetera and Victoria pondered the question.

“I guess there’s not much that makes me special.” Electra hunched in on herself, suddenly feeling shy. 

“No! Don’t ever say that!” Etcetera pounced on her and attempted to cuddle the self doubt out of her. “There’s plenty about you that you should be proud about.”

“Yes, Cettie’s right.” Victoria agreed. “You’re an excellent friend. You’ve always supported Cettie and myself whenever we’ve needed it.”

“Oh! You also covered for cats when they couldn’t dance at the Jellicle Ball. You’re really good at filling in for others when we need someone to dance and sing.”

“I guess.” Electra shrugged. “But that doesn’t seem that special.”

“I know it’s special. And besides, just because we’re known for something right now doesn’t mean we can’t be known for something else later.” Etcetera picked up a fresh sheet of paper and prepared to write. “And for now the three of us can be known for giving great advice. So let’s get started!”

_Dear Identity Crisis,_

_We all feel lost in the crowd sometimes, but finding the best way to express your individuality can be so fun and freeing if you’re willing to take a chance! Sometimes a physical change is the best place to start. Try wearing a new collar, or maybe a hat! Maybe a friend can give you a makeover and give you a whole new look!_

_Find things that you like to do that make you feel special and unique! If you can’t think of anything, talk to your friends and ask them what they like about you. Sometimes others can notice things that make you stand out even when you can’t see it!_

_Once you start doing some of these things you will find that your confidence shines through. Just remember, everyone has something about them that they should be celebrated for, you just have to find it!_

_Sincerely,_

_Cettie_

Rumpleteazer was, despite everyone’s claims to the contrary, an observant cat. She had to be in order to carry out some of her more complicated hijinks. Keeping an eye out for unwanted trouble while trying to create trouble of her own had given her a keen eye for spotting anything out of the ordinary. There was definitely something out of the ordinary today, starting with a certain striped tom wearing a noticeably new accessory.

“Jerrie, I love you and all, but I have to ask.” Teazer said as kindly as she could manage through her laughter. “What on earth is on your head? Didja kill an unsuspectin’ swan and decide it needed further punishment?”

Mungojerrie sniffed indignantly as he adjusted the thing on his head. It might have been a hat. It also might have been a perilous pile of white feathers that could take flight at any minute.

“Teaze, I know you think you’re the most fashionable outta the two of us.” He said, gazing down upon her with a haughty look. “But you have to admit that I’m more dignified.”

“Dignified? Why would you- wait, is that Griddlebone’s hat?” Now that she had a good look she recognized the white monstrosity as part of Griddlebone’s costume from ‘Growltiger’s Last Stand’, a show Jellylorum and Gus frequently put on to entertain the tribe.

“Yeah.” Jerrie deflated a little. “I was hopin’ to put my own flair on it. Make it less recognizable.”

“Pretty hard to mistake that hat for anythin’ else.”

“I know.”

“Why are you wearin’ it?”

“I dunno. Thought it might help me stand out.”

“Stand out? When have you ever wanted to do that?”

Jerrie shrugged. “Just occurred to me that some folks might not be able to tell us apart.”

“Jer, that’s our whole thing.” Teazer pointed out. “That’s how we get out of our usual sort of trouble and skirt the blame, ‘cause no one can pin it on either one of us.”

“Oh, I know. But sometimes I just want to make sure that others see me for me and you for you, you know?”

Teazer suspiciously squinted at him. “You haven’t been writin’ any letters to Cettie recently, have you?”

“No. I haven’t even ‘round the ‘yard until today, you know that.” It was true. Jerrie had been away on his own business and had only recently returned. But Teazer couldn’t help but remember the advice that Etcetera had posted on the board that morning.

She thoughtfully watched him fiddle with the hat. “Aw, Jer, you know that you’re not just part of the duo. You’ve got your own stuff and I’ve got mine.”

“Yeah, I know. Just got to thinkin’ about it and since I had this hat I had to give it a try.” Jerrie flipped said hat in the air. “But I think I’m fine without it, it’s not really my color.”

“Why’d you go for that particular fashion statement in the first place?”

“Oh, Cori asked me to, ah, ‘borrow’ it from Jelly for him. I’m on my way to meet him now.” Jerrie tucked the hat under an arm. “Wanna tag along? I for one think this is the perfect accessory for his fur color. It’s a shame that there’s not a matchin’ one for Tanti though.”

“As much as I want to see that I’ll have to pass.” Teazer flicked her tail at him dismissively. “Let me know if you ‘borrow’ any more accessories to try on.”

“Will do. See you ‘round.” Jerrie put the hat back on his head and waltzed off with the best sophisticated air he could manage.

Teazer was too busy laughing at his departure to notice that she had company. With considerable effort she controlled her giggles and turned to her new audience.

“Well hi, Cori, didn’t see you there.” Teazer took another look. “Oh, Tanti, I’m sorry, I thought you were Cori. Jerrie and I were just discussin’ him.”

“Hello.” Tantomile greeted her with a dignified nod. “I see that Jerrie is enjoying himself. As are you.”

“Oh, he’s definitely got a certain flair about him today. And it ain’t just limited to him.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Jer said he’s on his way to see Cori.”

“He is?”

“Yeah. Know anythin’ about that?”

“No.”

“Well that’s a surprise, seein’ as you two are always joined at the hip and all. I thought you knew everythin’ that was goin’ on in his head.”

“Just because we share a psychic bond and are twins does not mean we are one of one mind.” Tantomile’s voice turned cold. “We are separate individuals.”

“Hey, I didn’t mean anythin’ by it. I know you’re your own cat.” Teazer held up a pacifying paw.

At this Tantomile’s shoulders sagged. “I am glad you noticed. I was beginning to wonder if anyone does.”

“What’s this all about? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you down in the dumps.” A depressed Tantomile was truly a rare sight to see but not one that Teazer wanted to witness any longer.

“I… I have been having a problem.” Tantomile said hesitantly. 

“With what?”

“Myself.”

“Um, you’re gonna have to elaborate on that one.”

“I feel as if I am no more than just part of a pair. That I have lost my sense of self.”

Things suddenly clicked into place. “Hang on, you wrote that letter to Cettie, didn’t you?”

“Yes. I was hoping for some advice on how to stand out more from my brother, but it seems that I have been unsuccessful.”

“Aw, Tanti, you’re plenty different from Cori.” Teazer sidled up to Tantomile and put a comforting arm around her shoulder.

“You thought I was him just a moment ago.”

“Well, yeah, you do look like him, bein’ a twin and all. Kinda hard to shake that. But you’re different in other ways.”

Tantomile was silent. Teazer wracked her mind for an example. It was admittedly difficult since the twins were always together and singing, speaking, and dancing in sync. No other pair of cats in the junkyard came even close to their supernatural bond.

“See, I knew it.” Tantomile sighed. “There is nothing to differentiate me from him.”

“Now, I didn’t say that. Gimme a minute, I’m still thinkin’ about Jer and his magnificent hat.” Teazer told her. “I’d say you’re more playful than Cori.”

“Really?”

“Sure. Don’t think I don’t notice you jumpin’ in with all the other girls when Tugger comes around. You’re right up there with Cettie and the others.”

A tiny blush crept across Tantomile’s face. “That is true.”

“You’re also a sensitive cat. Not just with all the psychic mind stuff, but also of the emotional variety. You have a very calmin’ presence about you that draws cats in, myself included. Also, obviously, you’re a queen and not a tom. That’s somethin’ else that sets you apart.”

“I should hope that would be obvious.”

“I’m just sayin’ that it’s another thing to add to the list.” 

“The fact does not go unappreciated.” Tantomile sighed. “Your words are helpful, but I am still uncertain of how else to stand out.”

“Well, let’s see what Cettie’s letter said.” Teazer dragged Tantomile over to the board to study the response. “We could do one of those makeovers.”

“We could.” Tantomile sounded extremely hesitant about the matter. 

“Ooo, I know just the queen for the job. Come on!” Teazer dragged her reluctant companion clear across the junkyard to where a certain queen was lounging in the sun.

“Why, if it isn’t Rumpleteazer and Tantomile.” Bombalurina purred. “And to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Hi, Bomba. Me and Tanti were wonderin’ if you could assist us in figurin’ out some new looks. Maybe a new hairdo, some makeup, that sort of thing.”

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with Cettie’s most recent letter, does it?” Bomba raised an eyebrow.

“Dunno who wrote it.” Teazer jumped in before Tantomile could respond. “But everyone could use a little reinventin’ now and then, isn’t that right?”

“Yes.” Tantomile let out the breath she had been holding, giving the queen a grateful look.

“Now show us what you got. I want to see if green’s my new color.”

While Bombalurina was able to assist the two with styling their fur they had to bring in Cassandra for accessories, which then led to them asking Jennyanydots for some clothes, finally culminating in the group setting up shop at Jellylorum’s den to pull everything together. Along the way they had pooled together a wealth of makeup and were ready to go to town.

It was an adventurous endeavor, especially since everyone had their own style and insisted that their opinions were the best, resulting in a strange mishmash of colors and fabrics that made passerby take pause.

“Okay, so maybe puttin’ everythin’ on at once wasn’t the way to go.” Teazer studied Tantomile’s new look.

It was… eclectic. Somewhere along the line Bomba and Cassandra had gotten into a heated debate over whether or not velour was currently on trend as well as what color would look best against Tantomile’s fur, so they had settled for combining their opinions into one look. One very… chaotic look.

“What you need is a really good hat to tie it all together.” Jelly clasped her paws together excitedly. “I have just the thing. I used it when I portrayed Griddlebone but the color would be lovely with your fur.”

“Maybe another time.” Teazer tried not to let the guilt show as she shoved Tantomile away from what was soon to be the scene of a crime. “See you ladies later!”

The two hurried away from the others, Tantomile shedding various bits of clothing along the way to ease their escape.

“So.” Teazer said once they were safely out of sight. “How do you feel?”

“Better. Although I do not believe that I need to wear quite so many accessories.” Tantomile carefully plucked some of the more offending articles of clothing off of herself.

“Ah, well, I’d say at least the lipstick is a good color on you.”

“Perhaps I will keep that particular element of the ensemble.” Tantomile smiled. “And thank you for all your help. Truly. While I may still have doubts from time to time I do feel much more confident about my place in the tribe.”

“Ah, no problem. I get it. It’s hard being part of a pair. But seriously, Tanti, you’re as much your own cat as anyone else.” Teazer said. “And besides, I feel you on the whole ‘lookin’ like someone else thing. The humans can’t tell Jer and me apart. I mean, that’s a good thing, but sometimes it can really make a girl wonder about her own sense of self if she gets mistaken for a tom all the time, you know?”

“At least Jerrie is a handsome tom.” Tantomile said, a mischievous glint in her eye as she headed home.

Rumpleteazer watched Tantomile go on her way, a more confident spring in her step.


End file.
